You Return

You return 

Like a secret at deaths door

Unwelcomed at it's presence

A moment alone 

Like a whore after a john

Crying herself to sleep

these moments are to die for

Taken away for hell to keep

I got dead memories in my heart

Thrashed about and torn apart

Fed to the hungry demons of my soul 

I am now a puppet under your control

At your return

As this world burns

Ashes fall at death door

A murder scene

The death of the whore

Unwelcomed sentence

Unjustified killing

No matter

No one will care

Death is not picky after all

Help Me Up

Help me up 

For I am down hurt

There's blood on my shirt

And my breathing is short

I've lost myself

And can't be found 

I feel so unsafe with myself

I shouldn't be alone

But sometimes that's all I want

You say that you're my friend

But when tough gets going

You just run away in the end

Let me down

You let me drown

In this open sea of illusion

I can't believe I've wept

I've given everything I could

But it still couldn't keep me from

Keeping me from spiraling down

Making the world run away

Minute of Your time

Hey this one wasn't so depressing today...just thought of this and had to type it up before it left my mind...


If I had a minute of your time
I would make you mine
Talk about us like there was an us
Tell you why I loved you
Add sweet words to make us a plus
Instead of a fucking minus
I want us to be an us
Increased emotion
Is flowing through me like an ocean
It will take only a minute to tell you
That I'm not a crazy fool
I'm not the biggest tool
I want to reveal my biggest flaw
The reason I exist is to love you
You are the reason I continue to live
You are the reason this world continues to spin
I am living in what society thinks is sin
I just want take a minute of your time
So I can finally make you mine
Take your hand and your heart
So that we will never be apart
Gather words and emotions to give
So that no ships will ever sink
Don't you think I'm quite romantic
When I sing soft kitty when you are sick
When I tuck you in and kiss you good night
When I give you a dozens roses when we fight
I will make you mine so
Let me please take a minute of your time

Buried Dead pt 3

I commit to understand everything in between 
tender sin between the good and the mean 
suffocating ominous presence in the sheets 
wondering mind careful not to defeat 
the human flaw that is me 
the human pawn that I am to be 
created from the seed of the shadow man 
enriched with the madness of a lesser plan 
trained to the arts of darkness of the fallen 
trained to watch human suffering crawling 
no feelings, no power without dreams 
no sedation of any kind I am a machine 

Learning facts from fiction 
this world is a big contradiction 
so unnecessary is life to everything 
so easily revealed to the world of being 
this human stench is a reflection of self 
a trouble addiction of mutilation to oneself 
I await hell as I free myself from oppression 
and liberate myself through this expression 

Buried Dead pt 2

Majestic skies, so cloudy and dark 
fear me for my bite is worse than my bark 
take what is being given to you 
for I will do what your fears compels me to do 
so strange, I’m not supposed to be 
so deranged I’m not wanting to be me 
included me in your everyday world 
exclude me from the touch of a sweet girl 
I do not need it, I do not seek it 
I do not bleed 4 it, I will not speak it 
those words so toxic to the human soul 
it perpetuates loneliness and control 
human suffering down to the core 
but I need something more 

I find my way through the earthy decay 
I walk through the darkness of the day 
the drain it takes all my pain 
so I have something new in my brain 
these drugs they help to cure my disease 
I’m used to it, I down them down with ease 
before its my time to finally leave 
I will cherish this evil path I believe 
before its my time to burn in hell 
I will play with evil in my human shell 

I suck

Man just when I think I was doing ok I revert back to a bad state of mind. Now I feel like an outcast in front of my friends. My.therapist told me that there will be times when I feel like this. The reason is because I've been living with depression for so long, that my brain doesn't know how to react to me getting help so it will pump out more negative feelings to go back to what I think is "normal". That really sucks....to me...normal is feeling like a outcast fat piece of Shit loser with mommy and daddy issues who can't even tell people how he feels without lying to them. I'm not fine...I'm in constant pain. I'll go out with you, but I won't be all there so why bother. I don't want to push people away yet I feel like I am. Damn I really need more therapy...maybe more powerful drugs...

Buried Dead

Wicked dreams of release

wicked dreams in my head 
scary memories that won’t stay dead 
I trust them all because I’m a fool 
I grind them up with my tool 
line them up and shoot them up my nose 
fuck this shit really blows 
they sedate me from the face staring at me 
they rape me in the place I am never to see 
all day now I sit and cry 
doing nothing but line after line 
hoping ill someday die 
don’t worry mother I’ll be fine 

dirty hands against my thighs 
trying to go inside giving me a high 
I want it good, I want it hard & rough 
make me your dirty little slut my skin is tough 
I can take what you give I want it all 
I want to feel it....all the way down to the ball 
deep it feels good but deeper is best 
I want it for hours without a rest 
so addicted, so inflicted with pain 
but I can always let it wash away in the rain 

Reasons

I have my reasons for how I feel

It gets harder and harder every day

I seem to be fighting every emotion in my head

All I wanna do some days is stay in bed

Is it natural to feel this way?

Is it sane to wanna cry all day?

Then wipe the tears and staring at nothing

I suffer daily with these memories fighting myself

Positioning myself like a pin in the middle of an orgy

It means nothing to the people around it

But its still deals with the pain it can cause

Who shall save me from myself?

Who shall save you from myself

I feel like shit daily and I cant stay way

Too many people will say

“you’re the best none like the rest

Don’t give up you’re the shit dog”

I suffer more and more every day

I wake up with eyes swollen from the night before

Tear stains that wont go away….

Autumn Queen

I take my rightful place on my throne

Heart made from the unholy stone

I have been like a vulture to the queen

Never before seen

A disguised imposter at the queen's masquerade

Her vision began to fade

I took my knife to her heart

And watched her kingdom torn apart

 My Psycho-dramas freed to plunder

Her heart was torn asunder

Laughing at the pitiful sight

She lost her final fight

I took my place on the throne

That mighty skies turned pitch black

She was not ready for my brutal attack

She slit her wrists to end it all

I was waiting all autumn for her fall

Blood staining the night air

I killed all her heirs

I am on top of the world I've never seen

I killed the feeble queen

I took my place upon the throne

And watched her being overthrown

As the autumn season became undone

So .

I don't know how to feel
I feel so....so...
I don't know what I should feel
I feel so...so...
Gone

Therapy session

So I've been going to therapy since October for my depression. It was getting to the point where I couldn't take life anymore. I think that my anxiety also was making it difficult for me to...Idk...exist... Anyhow, my therapist says that I have been living in a state of despair and darkness for most of my life. That any moment that I feel joy my head kicks in with sad depressing thoughts because that's what I'm used to thinking or feeling, sadness. I've been that guy with the dark cloud following him, but instead of putting up an umbrella and carrying on dry...I've been just walking in the rain getting wet and being miserable. I've often said that I'm a great actor. I can act happy and full of gay joy on the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I know how I'm suppose to act in a polite society, but I'm the monster inside clawing and ripping people to bloody shreds. I need to start learning that life isn't all that dark and twists...but good things can happen to me. When those good things do happen I need to learn to actually feel that happiness and joy...and not automatically go back to that dark place.

I probably have more to say...but ill save it for later...I'm tired of writing

Fading

fading into obscurity
The trail of abomination
Today I wither with the cold wind
As all light has been taken in my dreams
My eyes close and all I see is darkness
So much darkness
Feeding me betrayal and lies
From the ashes I seek to rise
To stand over my own body
Only to spit upon it
I see death in its common nature
He beckons me to follow him
Abomination I am
Unnatural are my feelings and ways
And everyday seems a thousand more
As I fall from the heaven I crave for more
Hell as no reward for me
Heaven as lost its taste for me
I as without home left in dark limbo
Where my insanity only seems to grow
And I bare the marks of my own destruction

Damn...

Life is so scary when you live with anxiety. At least for me it does. I'm always worried and scared over the smallest insignificant thing. I wish I was cured of this....

Burn

I like the way my skin burns

When I set it ablaze

It feels like heaven in june

The smell of roses in the garden of eden

The drugs are driving me into a craze

The room spins and I'm blind in the smoky haze

Deranged and out of my cage

Its time to turn the page

And send me to the depths of hell

Where my skin will burn well

The flames of satan the hottest ever

Brittle

I come across like a brittle baby
Hit the right spot and I break apart
Stick me in the cracks of your heart
And ill come alive again...maybe

I don't give a fuck
I don't give a fuck
I don't give a shit
About what you gott say

Push my face in the dirt
Smash me hard make me hurt
Tell me its what I deserve
I'm just a parasite willing to serve

I don't care
I don't care
I don't give a shit
About what I need to do

I'm yours anyhow so fuck it
I don't swallow I just suck it
Your fascination is growing wearily
Looking for something more

Maybe I like it
Maybe I like it
Maybe I just don't care
About the shit you fuckin do

WORLD

I remember every night that my life broken down

A white flame turned it all to ashes

And the rain just turned it to mud

When will I run away from all these dreams

The dreams that feed the demons

Sometimes I think hate is not a strong enough emotion to feel

When I know the world feels the same

I could think of a million ways to die

But I know you would think up more

I fantasize with running to the edge of the world

But I know the world would just jump instead

Names Belong Here

Your name should really belong here

Because it doesn't fit anywhere else

I wish that my soul was near

But I left it somewhere

You remind me of the waves

Always coming in and out

Never really caring what love is about

The sun shines and I cry

The moon rises and u come alive

But you tell me I shouldn't survive

And I tell you perhaps I should die

You tell me

I don't belong

But until how long

Will I ignore what you say

Medicated so I can get through the day

When you don't even care to remember my name

I feel nothing for this but I care so much

I care when you tell me I don't belong

Tell me how it feels to be alone

Tell me how I should feel

You name should really belong here

Until then please don't come near

The Break Through

Modern views

blistering heat subdues

frozen black hearts in you

can you feel the hate break through?

Impacting views

your faces are left black and blue

broken pieces but we have no glue

can you feel the hate break though?

drink up the poison don't leave a drop

split you spine and your brain goes pop

pull the trigger and never pretend to stop

realize the hate is on top

a lost ruin on a deserted land going down

a secret temple that has been found

heros dying, mothers crying for you

can you feel the hate breaking through?

so it appears the dark has won the fight

so it appears the dark has the might

blink of an eye the world is anew

can you see it...the hate...its broken through

Cant Make You

My mouth is a trash bag
Never worth the shit that's in it
I can't make anyone like me
This was never something I wanted
Ill make no one bow down 
This was never something I would do
My world was a cradle falling from the tree
My words are shit hitting the fan
My blood made me a damaged man
But never was my heart to be free
A headache without a repair
No drugs are allowed here
Broken and bleeding
But no ointment to help clear the scar......
This world is dying.....cold and blank
No smile across my damned fucking face
There's no sweet tomorrow at this place
Can't beg you to see it my way
That's not something I was want to say...

Dead battery is love lost and left to die

Our love is a dead battery
Nothing left to power our drive
Leaving us in the middle of nowhere
And you just don't seem to care

My murdered heart have a tv interview
Said you molested it every night
Said that you started all kind of fights
Left it black and so blue

I gave a piece of me to everyone in town
Trying to tie  myself down
I never could I never tried hard enough
I always tried with shards of steel
As bright as the lights above
But the dead battery couldn't support life
So withering on the edge of defeat
My blood lead next to my knife
And it was the most perfect thing
Otherwise I would have nothing

Our love ran on its last course
Dying on the last bit of life
Everything we had was mine
But you stole it every single time
Leaving me wondering how this happened
Frame after frame of memories left inside
Died with the battery left outside
Running on nothing but hurt
You left me on the passenger side

Our love is a dead battery
With nothing left to care about
A hunk of shit with no feelings or drive
Lost to the nothingness inside
Parked and left for dead
Abandoned without an ounce of regret
Left in the middle of nowhere
Without you I don't seem to care

Heart Full of Nothing

I always loved this piece I created...Idk what the fuck was going through my head...I dont think it makes much sense..but to me at that point it did...

There's a ballroom in my heart filled with people in black uniforms 
snorting this nation into the nose of illusions and black vault of 
ecstasies where death is the new style of choice. Faceless individuals 
walk with a limp and smack each others heads with mechanical tentacles. 
They learn how to sing to the marching bands black symphonies without 
missing a note, yet are lost within the melodies of tragedies. They 
drink from cyanide filled cups in the shape of human hearts. Content 
with the end that will split their spine.

Drinking the germs from their spine it tastes as bitter as wine they cry 
tears made from human fears. But they won't say nothing, won't stay for 
long for its almost midnight. They have work in the morning. They commit 
crimes against nature crimes against themselves as the nature of the 
moon fixates on the guts of the sluts and the heart of the harlots 
beating them and crushing their lives into dust. A pregnant teenager with 
abortion on her mind, a corrupt priest with a alter boy between his 
legs. They say not to drown, not to get down but its hard when the 
politicians of religion strike fear in the orifices of human thought. A 
natural born philosopher lynched on the street, made to bleed for his 
beliefs, crucified for him mouthing off.

Plenty of sunshine falling down on me. UV rays giving my skin cancerous 
spores and burning my eyes. I need sunglasses to keep them off me, I 
need sunglasses so you don't recognize me. I don't want the world to 
see through my eyes. See through the lies as bright as the skyline on a 
sunny day. The mouse imprisons the souls of its slaves, drains them then 
rearranges ever speck of dust from their skin, every aspect of their 
sins and I am one of them. There's a black symphony in my heart as the 
percussion are making a melancholy melody that goes with the tempo of 
my blood flowing through my veins. The violinist pulls on the strings of 
my emotions and the winds play my mind and sexual organ. I fancy them 
like they were for real and not a metaphor. I play with the thorns of a 
rose and make a wish every time a bee stings me. I'm holding hands with a 
perfect specimen. Long dark hair, perfect 10, black coal eyes a face 
that can replace the spot in my heart of the lesser few that inhabit it. 
She uses me for my life force, drains me every night. But allow it, I 
love it, I need it. Misguided through a world of drunks, addicts of 
every sort, mechanical beings and savage scapegoats, I stand alone among 
the libertines of determination, yet mine is stronger than those inept 
creatures which feast on the good souls of others, who would for 
the right price kill their own mothers. No I am not one of those, through 
maturity I attend to find salvation through my own enterprise and I will 
slowly but surly rise to become a god among gods, a libertine with taste 
and class, a true power to be reckoned with.

The Whore Chronicles Part III

Let me breathe on my own

I need to teach myself how to live again

I need someone to talk to sometimes

But at times everyone is busy

I need to let out some of my angry out

The crack on the surface is beginning to grow

This shit is about to blow

But where are you oh faithful watcher?

Where were you when I began my change?

When I let the darkness into my life

Where were you when I began my change?

When I let everyone stab me with my own knife

I never meant to fall from your good graces

I just needed someone to talk to about myself

You were too busy dealing with yourself

I was abandoned to roam the roads on my own

I need to learn how to breathe

So please let me breathe on my own

The Whore Chronicles part II

If you need me ill be here unconscious

Becoming unglued in front of you

A needy motherfucker with nothing to do

A once hot flame slowly beginning to fade

Not even a moth will come towards me

I’m useless, nothing worth giving a shit for

A dumb ass, a shitty whore

Not worthy of being fed a dick

Not worthy of anything

Nothing will make me feel better

Never even this heroin in my veins

Not even this booze injected in my brain

There’s too much pressure to face every day

I just want to flee this world and run away

I want to stay away

Before the last glimpse of hope begins to decay

Sad kids

My heart plays a sad lullaby
Singing to the kids that are sad inside
Too scared to move too damaged to hide
Not able to take that final ride
Too afraid of the after life
What lies where told of getting better
They knew that it only got worse
Bullied and tortured all their youth
That was the only truth
The only certainly besides death
Scared with each walking breath
Suffocating in their own skin
For what they were
What clothes they wore
Who they loved
How they did their make up
They are cowards they lied
Well these cowards wished they could die
These kids are so sad
So very very sad

The Whore Chronicles

Motherfuckers are geared up for an attack

I don’t face them only give them my back

I’m used to being on my back

Legs up eyes bloodshot

Waiting for my next hit of crack

Gotta get done with this trick

Then go on to my next fix

When I’m high I feel so numb

As these motherfuckers fill me up with cum

My fingernails are pink and bedazzled

My head feels like a baby rattle

As I'm getting it from behind

I think back about the time

When I would fuck just for fun

Before I became this dirty filthy cunt

I was meant to be something more

But I became a feeble whore

Only worthy to be on my back

Just so I can get my crack

Just so I can get high again

To numb down this pain

Wanting everything to end

Muse

so I was going through my old facebook notes, and I was re reading some of my old "poems" and I decided to post some of the ones I liked...that way I dont have to write stuff ...lol...This one is called...MUSE...



I need a beauty in my bed
To get the juices flowing in my head
No not that one 
You sick minded individual
But I still find it kinda hot
When your soul slowly starts to rot
I'm looking for a broken heart
So I can find some spare parts
My own is dead
So I need a beauty in my bed

You are...my most beautiful muse

A new muse I need to use
In return ill let you reuse
My own blood in our love game
Just remind me...what's ur name?
Oh I'm sorry I thought you were someone else
Ill let the juices flow through my head
This time I mean that head
You sick minded person
Hurry up or it might worsen
My volcano is about to erupt
And my body self-destruct
All because of you
My most beautiful muse

Public?

So I'm thinking about taking this blog public and by public I mean telling my Facebook friends about it. I've never been the type to really reveal myself to people. People only know what I want them to know about me. This blog when I actually feel like posting, makes me feel...idk...open to the idea that its ok to open up. I've been opening up little by little lately and maybe by taking this blog public it will motivate me to open up more. Plus I really write better than I talk! I'm a listener, the therapist, the person who people come to to cry on my shoulder, I've never been much of a talker, I'm the strong silent type. So it takes a lot out of me when I talk to people...like my mouth starts to dry up and my jaw hurts type of shit..lol.
Now I'm not a fucking English major, I'm probably going to make some grammar mistakes, and spelling mistakes and most likely murder the English language, truth is...I don't give a FUUUCKKK...and that's on the real...bitch...lol

Now should I do it...or should I just make a brand new blog...I mean truth is..I probably wont blog that much anyways...I just want a place to post my "poetry" or whatever mental garbage comes out of my dark mind...lol