update...

So here's an update on how I'm doing with my pulmonary embolism.

IT SUCKS MONKEY BALLS!!!!!!!

Luckily there hasnt been any pain involved with this, but man the mental and emotional pain is there. Ive been on edge since I was released from the hospital. Every little pain and ache scares the crap out of me and makes me freak out. My level of anxiety is at its peak. I really hate this. To add to the crap fest, Ive been so tired lately. I try to walk around my yard for a bit, and I have to stop because I get so winded and exhausted. I'm so glad that my doctor put me out of work for a month, because I doubt I would be able to perform my job correctly. Selling clothes and toys doesn't seem like a big stressor, but it really is, and I don't think I would do it. Especially since I keep coughing every time I talk too much. I really don't want to cough in guests faces...well..not on purpose.

I really don't know how much of this I can take. I really hate this feeling with every fabric of my being. I hate feeling so down and out. I hate feeling so anxious all the time. I hate feeling like I'm going to die, or that I could have died. My therapist tells me I need to redirect my negative thoughts to something positive. I have been doing that, sometimes I can do it and sometimes I cant. Its so hard for me. At this very moment, as my fingers are typing this...I feel a lump in my throat...that dreaded anxiety. I'm feeling so nervous that I'm not healing, so scared that I might be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. The fear of that I might get another PE is intense. I need to chill the fuck out....like CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I know that I'll heal, I know that I have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life, its not a death sentence, I'm luckily that I even survived, because according to my doctor, a lot of times doctors misdiagnose a patients complaints and don't check for PE. He said that I should be glad that the ER doctor who first saw me ask for a CT Scan of my lungs because if he wouldn't have, I could have died.

Its such a scary thought that I could have died. I could have fucking died that night, or a couple of days later. I would leave my parents and sister grieving. I would leave all my friends behind. I would be an empty shell and my soul or spirit would no longer be on this journey. Man...my mind boggles at the thought of this. I keep thinking that I've been given a second chance at life, but with this second change, I keep feeling like maybe I should feel more powerful, more stronger, I'm feeling weaker and feeling so down and out instead. Life sucks right now....oh well.

Reasons

I have my reasons for how I feel

It gets harder and harder every day

I seem to be fighting every emotion in my head

All I wanna do some days is stay in bed

Is it natural to feel this way?

Is it sane to wanna cry all day?

Then wipe the tears and staring at nothing

I suffer daily with these memories fighting myself

Positioning myself like a pin in the middle of an orgy

It means nothing to the people around it

But its still deals with the pain it can cause

Who shall save me from myself?

Who shall save you from myself

I feel like shit daily and I cant stay way

Too many people will say

“you’re the best none like the rest

Don’t give up you’re the shit dog”

I suffer more and more every day

I wake up with eyes swollen from the night before

Tear stains that wont go away….

So .

I don't know how to feel
I feel so....so...
I don't know what I should feel
I feel so...so...
Gone