christmas gift

Well holy shit its been months since I last wrote a blog. To be truthful, I've just been fucking lazy. I discovered the magic that is the TV show Scandal and have been binge watching that. I have also become engrossed with the seasons of Project Runway that I have missed since they moved to Lifetime. I have been playing Marvel Heroes 2015 on my laptop. Besides that I haven't been doing much besides jerking off and sleeping. Same shift just different days. There you have it folks my life in a nutshell. 

Today is Christmas and I'm home alone eating tamales and calling target over a order that I fucked up on. I'm drinking my Starbucks coffee and listening to the Kevin and Bean podcast. My parents went out to the casinos and I stayed home alone. I didn't want to spend my Christmas with my folks in a smoked filled casino....I love my sanity and lungs too much for that. It doesn't bother me that I'm spending it alone. I already celebrated with my family last night. My sister and the kids came over to our house and we ate tamales and drank some tequila and had a jolly good time. After that I took like a 3 hour nap....that's how I celebrate. Today Ill probably play a video game and watch porn by myself like a sad pathetic lonely man....so you may think. To me this is my gift.....absolute loneliness...there are times where I tire of people around people. I like to isolate myself from the outside world. Id rather spend my day alone with my chihuahua than be surrounded around people who will cause me anxiety. My therapist tells me that I shouldn't isolate myself from the outside world...and I've tried not to like I use to before, but fuck I like to be alone sometimes. I have time to clean out some of the dirty things I have hidden from view around my room, I can wash some of my jock straps and sex toys and throw out some trash. Maybe this will help relax me. Maybe it will inspire me to write again...I don't know...sometimes isolation just....HELPS me. 

Don't feel sorry for me for being alone on Christmas, I feel sorry enough for both of us. I just enjoy it....sure there will be tears falling down my face as I see update statuses of other families spending time together,....but my dog will lick the salty tears from my face.

7 day challenge

On facebook I was challenged by a friend to do a 7 day challenge where we say 3 things we are thankful for. I couldn't really think of anything so I went to the joke angle. Now I'm seriously thinking about it. I know I'm thankful for things....we all are, its just hard for me to express them....I guess.

1. The number one thing I'm thankful for is probably the four important women in my life. I call them the B.O.M.B Squad. My sister Brenda, my mother Oralia, and my nieces Mia and Bryanna. I'm so thankful for having these ladies in my life in my 27 years. My mother for taking care of me, even when I wish she would stop mothering me ...but secretly I like feeling like a child still. My sister for being my rock...even in my lowest of lows, the darkest of my moments she has been the shining light that brightened my day. My baby nieces Mia and Bryanna...in the year and a half that they have been alive...they have taught me what true love can be. I love these little girls to death and I'm so thankful that they are in my life. I'm going to spoil these little girls for the rest of their lives!
2. I'm thankful for my second family...my friends. I had a hard time making friends in school and it took me a long time to make real friends so I'm thankful for the ones Ive kept throughout the years. I've had MANY adventures with my friends and they have brought out the fun side of me! suck it lonely Richard from elementary...you have friends now!
3. I'm thankful for myself.....I know I know....that's dumb, but I'm thankful for myself in that I've been strong enough to go through some tough dark times and still be able to function as a human being. I'm thankful that Ive been strong enough to not end my life or do self harm. I'm thankful for myself in that I've been able to find ways to channel my pain and anger into worlds...or random lip syncs...random dancing...just random shit...so there you go...

so there you go....my real post about this shit.....I probably wont finish the 7 day challenged.....but who really cares...lol

hmmmm

Who knew that having sex with strangers would make me feel better about myself? For years I have been avoiding having stranger sex, for fear of getting killed or an std. I should still have a fear about getting stds but not about getting murdered in the middle of fucking lol. I like the fact that people actually like my body with its flaws and I like that they want to fuck me. Its taken me years and years to finally accept the way I look. All it took were blogs and pool parties/orgies. My sexual adventures have been plentiful as of late and I cannot wait for more. I can honestly say Ive had more sexual partners in the last few months than Ive had in all my sexually active years....and even then Ive lost count. Does that make me a slut? probably....but I don't care, I love it....and my dick sure loves it.

Dead

So I was looking through some old college notebooks and found this little gem. Fuck, I was really depressed back then lol....I laugh now, but I'm sure I was a human wreck back then....well, I still am, but not as much as back then....



I trace a heart where his should be
a black hole is the only thing there
eyes glazed over as rigor mortis sets in
the smell slowly starting to escape his skin
I found him laying with his arms crossed
a bottle of pills beside him as he looks asleep
asleep forever...
I should be crying but no tears are being shed
I should be yelling but I make no sound
I just start at his human shell
The light gone forever from his eyes
Its a trip seeing myself on the floor
I didn't think I would ever do it again
I didn't think I would succeed
I'm dead.....my heart is gone....my brain is mush
my lungs are decaying, my guts have gone liquid
I'm dead....but I'm still looking at myself from above
am I a ghost? am I going to heaven or hell?
I'm dead....fuck...Im dead....

Goddess

Eyes black as coal

Hair white as clouds

She is my goddess

I am her mortal

Virgin Summer

The heat radiates off our loins
as we lay holding hands watching the moon
our breathing syncing with each breath
our eyes locked in each others gaze
tonight is the night we become one
the night we lose our innocence
and jump start our journey into adulthood
in the count of 1,2,3
we take our clothes off
shed ourselves of purity of fear
and enter the realm of pleasure
our skin, our hearts, our souls dance
tango and cha cha  as our nerves slowly fade
we stand bare of clothes and fright
nipples hard from the winds chilly kiss
we kiss and lose our virginity in the summer
beautiful sights and sounds
elated loins and passion devouring our senses
when it is said and done
we lay back down and watch the moon
somehow its a different
somehow we are different
we speak in future and past tense
reminiscing that just yesterday
We belonged to the virgin summer

Work It Out

Ive been thinking about joining the gym again. I always say this, but I think this time I really mean it. I need to jump start my body so I can help my mind. I can feel my body is aching for release of all the tension and negativity, and to this point I haven't been able to find the valve to release it. I keep thinking that writing will help me, and to a certain point it has, but its just a band aid. I need to stitch that motherfucker up. I need to put some Neosporin on it to keep it from getting infected again. What needs to help though, is that I need to get that motivation to go to the gym in the first place. I can talk all I fucking want about wanting to change my physical appearance all I want, but I also need to walk that walk. I need to put on my running shoes and start sprinting towards that dream. Right now I'm wounded and slowly crawling towards that dream. It seems like miles and miles away, but I know that I can do it. I did it once before when I was in high school and I think I can do it again. I just need to get over some self esteem issues and grow some balls. I don't just need two balls, I need about 20 of them. It wont be easy, mostly because I'm a lazy fuck, but I know that I can do it. My palm reader said I put 110% into everything I do, so I just need to add the gym to that list. I need to put 110% of hard work into myself....I need it...I fucking deserve it.

Palm Reading

I recently got my palm read at a festival. I don't know if palm reading, tarot cards, or psychic readings are true or not, but I like to try them out to see what they say about me. I've had my cards read in Vegas, and what she said never really came true. What she said about me was true to a degree, but she could have just been reading my facial expressions and body language to feed her shit about me. So when I saw the palm reader, I decided to give her a go. I gotta tell you, I was beyond surprised at what she said about me! Most of what she said about me was true, and she said things that not a lot of people know about me. Ill talk about what she said to me now.

1. I'm a hard worker. I don't give 90% or even 100%, I give everything I do 110%. I try to do the best job that I can do, but I don't get recognized for all my hard work. I'm used to it, but lately its been starting to bother and I'm becoming bitter about it. I want to be told that what I'm doing is great and that I'm an essential part of the team dynamic. This is so fucking true! I do work harder than some people in my life and I don't get recognized for it. It is starting to bother me now that I work harder than some people at work, but they get recognized for stupid shit, and I just get a thank you. I know that it shouldn't bother me, but it does bug.

2. The last two years have been difficult for me emotionally and physically, but I'm working hard to get out of the funk I'm in and this is the year of working towards a better me. Next year will be a better year for me. It will take a lot of work this year, but next year I will be happier than I've been. There is something that's keeping me from reaching my true potential and my happiness, and this year I will take baby steps to maximize my true self. I have been in a funk for the last couple years, mainly thanks to my depression and anxiety, I have been taken steps to bettering myself. Ive been on anti depressants and been going to therapy once a month for the last two years. She hit the nail on the board...or whatever the saying is on this one. Ive always been in a yo-yo effect where I take 3 steps forward and 1 step back. I'm happy that I'll finally be free of these demons that I'm battling for so many years. Well, I'm sure I wont be completely free from them, but ill be making a big dent in them.

3. Its hard for me to fall in love. Holy shit she was fucking right about this one too. I dated someone where the relationship didn't work out, but this person still thinks about me and what could have been. We will never work out, and I shouldn't talk to this person, but the relationship affected me. I shouldn't date this year, because I'm trying to work on myself, and if I get into a relationship, I will just think about that person and not myself. I put everyone else before me and I get dragged down to 4th or 5th place in line, but I shouldn't do that anymore. Ive been learning to say NO more and more now, where before I would say YES to everything, even when I didn't want to say yes. People will think I'm being selfish, but that's OK because ill be thinking about myself and in the end it will be better for ME. I  want to fall in love, but I don't know how to fall in love because I never had a true sense of what love should look like. This part was true, because I never had "love role models" in my life. I haven't really seen anyone who were in true love. No one has told me that they love in a romantic sense, so I don't know how to say it and really mean it.

there was a lot more stuff the palm reader said, but I'm slowly forgetting them...lol. She basically said that I will never be hard on money because I'll work hard to get it. I'll be moving out of where I currently live, not because I have to, but because I want to. There will be something going on in July and August at work that will change my life. Someone is talking shit about me in my life and that I should be cautious of them, because they will hurt me morally. There will be two days in June that will very creative days for me. I'm sure there more, but I don't remember lol. Thanks for reading guys this has been the longest actually blog Ive written in a long time that isn't a poem lol.

Another night.....

The darkness grows like a slow dense fog

Covers me like LA smog

Gives me life and blends it with death

I am free yet trapped in its decay

I don't resist it anymore

There aren't enough hours in a day

Shower Thinker

I've always been a shower thinker. It's when I do my best thinking about life, work, love, and just make believe daydreams. When I feel like I need to talk to someone, but don't have anyone to talk to; I talk to myself in the shower. Something about the warm water hitting my back makes me not only relax my body, but it relaxes my mind. My mental barriers come down momentarily and the therapist side of me steps in to lend a ear. I get out everything that I've been holding to inside and I give myself advice on how to work these feelings and situations out. Some people sing in the shower, or jerk off in the shower, but I think. Lately I've been thinking about my life and how tired I am mentally again. Every morning is a struggle to get out of bed and prep to get through the day. All I'd rather do is sleep and look at porn all day. Instead I have to get up and go to work and make it through the day without punching a kid in the face. When I come back home, In bed I go to take a nap. My life is a ball, constantly turning in a circle....I need to change the motion of the ball. I need to do something better than standing in the shower thinking about what I should do. I know what I should do, but I need the motivation to actually do. I need to stop with the denial of what the root of my issues are  and come clean with the truth. The truth shall set you free they say, but sometimes the truth can fuck up lives, and my life is already fucked up.


Maybe I should stop thinking in the shower and just stick to jerking off instead.

DREAM

Once upon a dream
Dreams of a time being free
Free from my worries and demons
Demons that kept me prisoner
Prisoner of a war that's been brewing inside
Inside where I feel dead at times
Times when I feel joy seems but a dream
Dreams that once felt real

helpful?

I still don't know why but after each therapy session I have, I tend to go into a depressive state of mind. It's like everything we talk about makes me really think about my life and makes me hate it. I don't hate my life right now, but I'm sure not liking it. I'm still fat, single, horny.....alone. I need to find motivation to change my life. I need to change something!
So is therapy even helping me? Yes it is, because its taught me that I am worth something, yet Its so hard to really believe it.


maybe some day ill believe it

ugh

I'm tired of being told I'm fat. I think I noticed that when I looked in the mirror. Thanks for making me feel even worse about myself than I already did. Just when I was starting to feel good and looking to make a change, it came crashing down. I want to binge eat again, just so I don't feel so empty anymore. I don't blame anyone but myself for this shit. I should make better chooses, but I fail the motivation and drive to care anymore. Hello depression its been awhile since I've seen you. I thought I left you back in 2013.....its been nice not being depressed and self conscience, I guess all good things must come to an end.

unknown beach

I vacation on an unknown beach

Stick my feet into the sand

Feeling the cold wind in my hair

I feel so peaceful

I feel so free

Bio hazard Love

Lyrically accepted, but biblically rejected

it makes me feel so ugly

lingering feeling of betrayal

who needs love when its just a bio hazard 

Travel and Eating

One thing I want to do this year is travel more. I don't need to travel to long distances like Canada or Mexico, I would love to just go somewhere close to me like Vegas or San Diego. Last year was really harsh for me, but this year Ive made it a point to do more to keep myself happy. Traveling or having a mini vacation will help me with this. That's why I'm going to Las Vegas to relax and hang out with my burly bear. In March I'll be going to San Diego to celebrate a friends 30th birthday. I'm looking forward to these two trips, because not only will it get me out of work, but it will also get me out of the house. I sometimes feel trapped at home, so not being there will feel really really fucking good LOL!

In other news, I've realized that I've started binge eating again.More and more Ive noticed that I'm not getting that "full" feeling when I'm eating, and when I do, I still eat more to push my feelings down. I've always known that I've binge eat, but I kicked the habit when I started therapy. I'm learning how to deal with my feelings, so now that I'm binging again, its starting to freak me out. My therapist says that its good that I noticed it and can now focus on it. I think that because I'm feeling somewhat happy this year and have plans to do so much, that the depression part of my brain is making me binge so I can feel bad. I'm self sabotaging myself because I don't want to feel happy. I realize that now and need to learn how to not kill that happiness that Ive worked so hard for.

27

Oh fuck, I just turned 27! Three more years until im considered old by societies views and I could be a daddy in the gay community.  Fml I want to cry...lol From this point on, I need to learn how to be more independent,  I need to enjoy life and be more free than Ive been! I need to banish these demons and thoughts and replace them with new thoughts.  Most of all I need to grow as a person, and start putting myself out there for people to want to get to know me. Hopefully 27 will be a great year for me where I will reflect back when im old and say, fuck I had a great time!