update...

So here's an update on how I'm doing with my pulmonary embolism.

IT SUCKS MONKEY BALLS!!!!!!!

Luckily there hasnt been any pain involved with this, but man the mental and emotional pain is there. Ive been on edge since I was released from the hospital. Every little pain and ache scares the crap out of me and makes me freak out. My level of anxiety is at its peak. I really hate this. To add to the crap fest, Ive been so tired lately. I try to walk around my yard for a bit, and I have to stop because I get so winded and exhausted. I'm so glad that my doctor put me out of work for a month, because I doubt I would be able to perform my job correctly. Selling clothes and toys doesn't seem like a big stressor, but it really is, and I don't think I would do it. Especially since I keep coughing every time I talk too much. I really don't want to cough in guests faces...well..not on purpose.

I really don't know how much of this I can take. I really hate this feeling with every fabric of my being. I hate feeling so down and out. I hate feeling so anxious all the time. I hate feeling like I'm going to die, or that I could have died. My therapist tells me I need to redirect my negative thoughts to something positive. I have been doing that, sometimes I can do it and sometimes I cant. Its so hard for me. At this very moment, as my fingers are typing this...I feel a lump in my throat...that dreaded anxiety. I'm feeling so nervous that I'm not healing, so scared that I might be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. The fear of that I might get another PE is intense. I need to chill the fuck out....like CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I know that I'll heal, I know that I have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life, its not a death sentence, I'm luckily that I even survived, because according to my doctor, a lot of times doctors misdiagnose a patients complaints and don't check for PE. He said that I should be glad that the ER doctor who first saw me ask for a CT Scan of my lungs because if he wouldn't have, I could have died.

Its such a scary thought that I could have died. I could have fucking died that night, or a couple of days later. I would leave my parents and sister grieving. I would leave all my friends behind. I would be an empty shell and my soul or spirit would no longer be on this journey. Man...my mind boggles at the thought of this. I keep thinking that I've been given a second chance at life, but with this second change, I keep feeling like maybe I should feel more powerful, more stronger, I'm feeling weaker and feeling so down and out instead. Life sucks right now....oh well.

Logo

I gotta be like Nike and JUST DO IT

Fuck the Haters ....fuck the voices inside telling me I'm no good. Fuck them all

Migraines

I would never wish upon my enemies the pain and suffering of the migraine that I experienced today. The pain was intense, so intense that it made me vomit and cry. The only thoughts I had were that my head was going to explode! I wanted to take a hammer and smash my head in, ending it all. This shit was fucking intense...Fucking aye it was intense. I shouldn't really complain because there are plenty of people that suffer from worse pain than me, and believe me I sympathize with them, but this was the worst pain that I have ever experienced. What kills me the most was that I broke a promise I made to my friend Chris. I was suppose to drive to LAX and pick up his boo from the airport. I was really looking forward to this adventure...I was going to drive somewhere far again...slowly and surely Im starting to expand...but this fucking migraine killed this adventure. Im so sorry Chris if you are reading this...I really wanted to meet arv and see you guys meet for the first time. Why does this shit always happen to me?

Also, apparently the medicine that my doctor prescribed me,  Sumatriptan could have given me Serotonin Syndrome or Serotonin Toxcity if I would have taken it. Why you ask, because it take the antidepressant Paxotine, and Sumatriptan I guess releases more serotonin into my brain, and Paxotine already does that so it would have been way too much serotonin and it could have made me really really sick, or it could have been fatal. So I contacted my doctor and luckily he talked to the pharmacist and they agreed I shouldn't take it.So he prescribed me something else that would help, but that wont release serotonin. So I hope it works, because I never and I mean NEVER want to feel that much pain again. I can handle emotional pain, but physical pain, man Im a giant fat pussy....lol

Big Dipper

I'm feeling a little off again. I was what I deemed happy or content for a while. I was angry and frustrated next, and now I'm feeling low. It's that Damn man period that I get. This time thought ...Idk...I feels different...the rage is intense...the happiness is blissful...and the sadness is ...darker. Darker thoughts are running rampant in my head. Old wounds are being opened. Old demons long thought dead have arisen again.

I know and hope that its only momentarily like this and that in time I will get over it. Usually after sadness is this intense urge to procreate with anything. I could possibility fuck a stranger...lol...probably not...but I am horny...

Anyways...this is the end for another day. I need to take it day by day. Hour by hour and second by second. Rome wasn't built in a day...and my mental health won't be a piece of cake...this Shit will take years to heal...

Understand

You had me with a hello
you left me with no goodbye though
Abandoned in this cold home
left me with memories of the good times
I want to know why
because I never could understand
I try to keep it together
because I thought we were forever
I was hoping I could get a helping hand
to make me firmly understand
why I was left alone
why I'm alone in this dark home
cold without your warmth
dead like a fetal still birth
the reasons didn't add up
how did we manage to fuck this up
give me a helping hand
so I may be able to firmly understand
because right now I'm so confused
I feel like Ive been used

So...an update

So I've been neglecting this blog again. The reason is that I really never have anything to say. Fuck that the real truth is that I'm just too stubborn and paranoid to write down anything on this blog. I still fight with myself about sharing parts of me to strangers. It's even worse when I need to share with people I actually know.

I guess the biggest thing is that my sister had her baby finally! After nine months of waiting I finally got to hold my first niece in my arms. Her name is Mia, and she's seriously the best looking baby in the world, but of course I'm bias because she's my niece lol.

My therapist told me that I should write a letter to my sister telling her thank you for always being there for me. For being the only person I truly can trust. The one person in my family that accepts me for who I am. This fat fucked up weirdo...she shows me unconditional love...I really need to start on that letter..I just don't know what to write lol. I'm to write it and hand deliver it to her, I can't mail it to her which sucks lol. I know I'm going to get all emotional and cry as a baby when I write it. Hell o cried for the first time in months at my therapy session when I started talking about her. I love her so much...

There's probably more going on but thats the big things that are going on. Since I'm such a comment whore and I like attention...comment...share or whatever people do with blogs.

I suck

Man just when I think I was doing ok I revert back to a bad state of mind. Now I feel like an outcast in front of my friends. My.therapist told me that there will be times when I feel like this. The reason is because I've been living with depression for so long, that my brain doesn't know how to react to me getting help so it will pump out more negative feelings to go back to what I think is "normal". That really sucks....to me...normal is feeling like a outcast fat piece of Shit loser with mommy and daddy issues who can't even tell people how he feels without lying to them. I'm not fine...I'm in constant pain. I'll go out with you, but I won't be all there so why bother. I don't want to push people away yet I feel like I am. Damn I really need more therapy...maybe more powerful drugs...

Therapy session

So I've been going to therapy since October for my depression. It was getting to the point where I couldn't take life anymore. I think that my anxiety also was making it difficult for me to...Idk...exist... Anyhow, my therapist says that I have been living in a state of despair and darkness for most of my life. That any moment that I feel joy my head kicks in with sad depressing thoughts because that's what I'm used to thinking or feeling, sadness. I've been that guy with the dark cloud following him, but instead of putting up an umbrella and carrying on dry...I've been just walking in the rain getting wet and being miserable. I've often said that I'm a great actor. I can act happy and full of gay joy on the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I know how I'm suppose to act in a polite society, but I'm the monster inside clawing and ripping people to bloody shreds. I need to start learning that life isn't all that dark and twists...but good things can happen to me. When those good things do happen I need to learn to actually feel that happiness and joy...and not automatically go back to that dark place.

I probably have more to say...but ill save it for later...I'm tired of writing

Damn...

Life is so scary when you live with anxiety. At least for me it does. I'm always worried and scared over the smallest insignificant thing. I wish I was cured of this....

WORLD

I remember every night that my life broken down

A white flame turned it all to ashes

And the rain just turned it to mud

When will I run away from all these dreams

The dreams that feed the demons

Sometimes I think hate is not a strong enough emotion to feel

When I know the world feels the same

I could think of a million ways to die

But I know you would think up more

I fantasize with running to the edge of the world

But I know the world would just jump instead

Cant Make You

My mouth is a trash bag
Never worth the shit that's in it
I can't make anyone like me
This was never something I wanted
Ill make no one bow down 
This was never something I would do
My world was a cradle falling from the tree
My words are shit hitting the fan
My blood made me a damaged man
But never was my heart to be free
A headache without a repair
No drugs are allowed here
Broken and bleeding
But no ointment to help clear the scar......
This world is dying.....cold and blank
No smile across my damned fucking face
There's no sweet tomorrow at this place
Can't beg you to see it my way
That's not something I was want to say...