Reflecting

I sit here reflecting
Redirecting negative thoughts
Caught in a web of sadistic intentions
Mentions of suicidal thoughts emerge
Submerged in a pool of diseased memories
Activities practiced in dark rooms
Blooms like death in a dead garden
Burdens grow with each deep cut
Uncut skin marked for the next night
Fight or flight chemical injections
Reflections of dark times
Mind is spinning out of control
Soul is turning to stone balls
All this is happening as i sit here
Reflecting

update...

So here's an update on how I'm doing with my pulmonary embolism.

IT SUCKS MONKEY BALLS!!!!!!!

Luckily there hasnt been any pain involved with this, but man the mental and emotional pain is there. Ive been on edge since I was released from the hospital. Every little pain and ache scares the crap out of me and makes me freak out. My level of anxiety is at its peak. I really hate this. To add to the crap fest, Ive been so tired lately. I try to walk around my yard for a bit, and I have to stop because I get so winded and exhausted. I'm so glad that my doctor put me out of work for a month, because I doubt I would be able to perform my job correctly. Selling clothes and toys doesn't seem like a big stressor, but it really is, and I don't think I would do it. Especially since I keep coughing every time I talk too much. I really don't want to cough in guests faces...well..not on purpose.

I really don't know how much of this I can take. I really hate this feeling with every fabric of my being. I hate feeling so down and out. I hate feeling so anxious all the time. I hate feeling like I'm going to die, or that I could have died. My therapist tells me I need to redirect my negative thoughts to something positive. I have been doing that, sometimes I can do it and sometimes I cant. Its so hard for me. At this very moment, as my fingers are typing this...I feel a lump in my throat...that dreaded anxiety. I'm feeling so nervous that I'm not healing, so scared that I might be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. The fear of that I might get another PE is intense. I need to chill the fuck out....like CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I know that I'll heal, I know that I have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life, its not a death sentence, I'm luckily that I even survived, because according to my doctor, a lot of times doctors misdiagnose a patients complaints and don't check for PE. He said that I should be glad that the ER doctor who first saw me ask for a CT Scan of my lungs because if he wouldn't have, I could have died.

Its such a scary thought that I could have died. I could have fucking died that night, or a couple of days later. I would leave my parents and sister grieving. I would leave all my friends behind. I would be an empty shell and my soul or spirit would no longer be on this journey. Man...my mind boggles at the thought of this. I keep thinking that I've been given a second chance at life, but with this second change, I keep feeling like maybe I should feel more powerful, more stronger, I'm feeling weaker and feeling so down and out instead. Life sucks right now....oh well.

Lost

Losing myself to the dark damp world inside my head
Cold to the touch
Roaming from room to room
Indulging myself in all the taboos
I eat, breathe, and fuck darkness
I am his concubine
Conceiving an unholy bastard
Scattering its wonder through time and space
Anxiety takes its place
Upon its throne of unholy grace
Damaging my insides and mind
Fucking me up just fine
Darkness gives birth to more screams
My mind wonders through nightmare schemes
Scenes that aren't dreams
Its weaves a quilt of anxiety
I feel like im losing. ..

The day after

So today I woke up scared. It wasnt the terrifying feeling of the world is ending, but more of...im a scared little boy.  Im afraid that I might have another panic attack.  Im feeling like im a failure at life. I know its the depression talking,  but I cant help thinking about it. What have I been doing with my life? Im living in constant misery,  and I can't seem to tell anyone.  I only go to therapy like once a month and when I want to talk to someone I always feel like I would burden them with my shit. I know for a fact that they would like me to talk to them but I cant...I cant express everything I want to express because I dont want to be judged. ..or idk..be so open.

Its funny that I can show off my nude body to random guys on the Internet but I can't show off what im really feeling in person. Im a wreck...and emotional wreck who runs away from everything instead of facing them.  I cant even take my car to a repair shop because im afraid of talking to someone new.  I hate life....I hate myself...I hate anxiety. ..and I hate my depression...

Panic attack

Oh man today was not a good day. The morning was ok...I was getting ready for work then all of the sudden it feels like someone punched me in the chest. I felt winded or like ive been running.  At first I thought it was weird. ..so I continued getting ready for work. ..then I felt tired..and my heart beat was beating rapidly.  Thats when I got spooked,  so of course I get my phone out and type in the symptoms which of course freaks me out more.  So I call out of work because I didnt know how long I was going to feel this way. I lay down and I feel fine...I get up and start to feel weird. .I feel like im having a heart attack.  I text my sister and that's when the shit hits the fan!

I start crying uncontrollably and start yelling. ..I walk out to the living room and just walk around in a circle.  I cant quite describe what I was feeling and what I was thinking. ..it was like..the unbearable wave of fright mixed with sadness. .when my sister came in I just collapsed in her arms and cry more. This was the peak of the attack. .I just started blurting out everything I was feeling about myself mixed with tears and boogers.  My parents came home and tried to calm me down too. They wanted to take me to the hospital but I knew I didnt need it. Really...I didn't want to go outside and have people see me crying and freaking out. After awhile I calmed down enough. ..but man my body and mind is hurting.  I got winded from just walking from the kitchen to my bedroom.  I took two naps. ..and have just been...idk...sad. ..sad that I broke down...sad that I freaked out my parents and sister. ..I feel so fucking worthless right now. 

I really should email my doctor and ask if mayne I should either up my dosage on my paxil to 20mg or maybe try another med, like xanax or something for when I get another attack. I was thinking of maybe seeing a psychiatrist too...someone who understands mental disorders and will know to help..and will be able to take me out of work for a bit. ..I just need a break from everything.

This state Im in

So for the last couple of weeks Ive been in a nasty mood. Ive been angry and irritable for what I thought no particular reason. People, places, and things were just pissing me off and I noticed that as days went on I was just getting angrier and angrier! What could have caused such a rage in me? Was that dark passenger Ive been keeping caged away slowly seeping its wicked rage out to me? Well luckily I had a therapy session and   we worked out why I was feeling so angry. It was because my little sister was getting married. I wasn't mad that she was getting married, I love her and her now husband very much. It was actually because I love my sister so much that I was angry. It was the change of her becoming someones wife and. and I put it...depending on someone else besides our family. Now shes been out of our house for about 2 years now, and its no secret to me that that's when I went into a deep depression because of that. Its been a tough few years without my little sister home, shes my rock, and when she left I felt like my support system left with her. I felt like she didn't need me anymore and I felt like her taking on her husbands last name set in stone the fact that shes no longer a part of MY family. Of course my therapist slapped me in the face with a reality check and told me that shes not going anywhere or she wont need me anymore...IN FACT, she actually might need me MORE now that shes married. She might need to talk to me to vent about her husband and stuff when the honeymoon stage of their marriage is over...which he told me will happen lol...My therapist told me to talk to my sister about what I was feeling and to hear it from the horses mouth that shes not going anywhere. luckily I was already planning on hanging out with her after my session so it was a good reason to talk to her. We went to Dennys and we just talking gossip and shit when she told me how my session was. I grew some balls instantly and told her how I felt. She laughed and told me that she wasn't going anywhere so I had nothing to worry about. To tell you the truth, it felt like a two ton boulder was lifted off my shoulders. It felt fantastic!

So when the wedding actually happened I was all good! I was happy and I didn't cry once, although I did tear up twice during the ceremony lol. So she got married Saturday, and today is Tuesday and I think a sense of relief as taken over me. I haven't been feeling so irritable and angry. Ill see how the rest of the week goes though. Maybe I just need a good fuck to get all the shitty feelings out of the way lol. 

You Return

You return 

Like a secret at deaths door

Unwelcomed at it's presence

A moment alone 

Like a whore after a john

Crying herself to sleep

these moments are to die for

Taken away for hell to keep

I got dead memories in my heart

Thrashed about and torn apart

Fed to the hungry demons of my soul 

I am now a puppet under your control

At your return

As this world burns

Ashes fall at death door

A murder scene

The death of the whore

Unwelcomed sentence

Unjustified killing

No matter

No one will care

Death is not picky after all

Help Me Up

Help me up 

For I am down hurt

There's blood on my shirt

And my breathing is short

I've lost myself

And can't be found 

I feel so unsafe with myself

I shouldn't be alone

But sometimes that's all I want

You say that you're my friend

But when tough gets going

You just run away in the end

Let me down

You let me drown

In this open sea of illusion

I can't believe I've wept

I've given everything I could

But it still couldn't keep me from

Keeping me from spiraling down

Making the world run away

Buried Dead pt 2

Majestic skies, so cloudy and dark 
fear me for my bite is worse than my bark 
take what is being given to you 
for I will do what your fears compels me to do 
so strange, I’m not supposed to be 
so deranged I’m not wanting to be me 
included me in your everyday world 
exclude me from the touch of a sweet girl 
I do not need it, I do not seek it 
I do not bleed 4 it, I will not speak it 
those words so toxic to the human soul 
it perpetuates loneliness and control 
human suffering down to the core 
but I need something more 

I find my way through the earthy decay 
I walk through the darkness of the day 
the drain it takes all my pain 
so I have something new in my brain 
these drugs they help to cure my disease 
I’m used to it, I down them down with ease 
before its my time to finally leave 
I will cherish this evil path I believe 
before its my time to burn in hell 
I will play with evil in my human shell 

I suck

Man just when I think I was doing ok I revert back to a bad state of mind. Now I feel like an outcast in front of my friends. My.therapist told me that there will be times when I feel like this. The reason is because I've been living with depression for so long, that my brain doesn't know how to react to me getting help so it will pump out more negative feelings to go back to what I think is "normal". That really sucks....to me...normal is feeling like a outcast fat piece of Shit loser with mommy and daddy issues who can't even tell people how he feels without lying to them. I'm not fine...I'm in constant pain. I'll go out with you, but I won't be all there so why bother. I don't want to push people away yet I feel like I am. Damn I really need more therapy...maybe more powerful drugs...

Reasons

I have my reasons for how I feel

It gets harder and harder every day

I seem to be fighting every emotion in my head

All I wanna do some days is stay in bed

Is it natural to feel this way?

Is it sane to wanna cry all day?

Then wipe the tears and staring at nothing

I suffer daily with these memories fighting myself

Positioning myself like a pin in the middle of an orgy

It means nothing to the people around it

But its still deals with the pain it can cause

Who shall save me from myself?

Who shall save you from myself

I feel like shit daily and I cant stay way

Too many people will say

“you’re the best none like the rest

Don’t give up you’re the shit dog”

I suffer more and more every day

I wake up with eyes swollen from the night before

Tear stains that wont go away….

Therapy session

So I've been going to therapy since October for my depression. It was getting to the point where I couldn't take life anymore. I think that my anxiety also was making it difficult for me to...Idk...exist... Anyhow, my therapist says that I have been living in a state of despair and darkness for most of my life. That any moment that I feel joy my head kicks in with sad depressing thoughts because that's what I'm used to thinking or feeling, sadness. I've been that guy with the dark cloud following him, but instead of putting up an umbrella and carrying on dry...I've been just walking in the rain getting wet and being miserable. I've often said that I'm a great actor. I can act happy and full of gay joy on the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I know how I'm suppose to act in a polite society, but I'm the monster inside clawing and ripping people to bloody shreds. I need to start learning that life isn't all that dark and twists...but good things can happen to me. When those good things do happen I need to learn to actually feel that happiness and joy...and not automatically go back to that dark place.

I probably have more to say...but ill save it for later...I'm tired of writing