update...

So here's an update on how I'm doing with my pulmonary embolism.

IT SUCKS MONKEY BALLS!!!!!!!

Luckily there hasnt been any pain involved with this, but man the mental and emotional pain is there. Ive been on edge since I was released from the hospital. Every little pain and ache scares the crap out of me and makes me freak out. My level of anxiety is at its peak. I really hate this. To add to the crap fest, Ive been so tired lately. I try to walk around my yard for a bit, and I have to stop because I get so winded and exhausted. I'm so glad that my doctor put me out of work for a month, because I doubt I would be able to perform my job correctly. Selling clothes and toys doesn't seem like a big stressor, but it really is, and I don't think I would do it. Especially since I keep coughing every time I talk too much. I really don't want to cough in guests faces...well..not on purpose.

I really don't know how much of this I can take. I really hate this feeling with every fabric of my being. I hate feeling so down and out. I hate feeling so anxious all the time. I hate feeling like I'm going to die, or that I could have died. My therapist tells me I need to redirect my negative thoughts to something positive. I have been doing that, sometimes I can do it and sometimes I cant. Its so hard for me. At this very moment, as my fingers are typing this...I feel a lump in my throat...that dreaded anxiety. I'm feeling so nervous that I'm not healing, so scared that I might be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. The fear of that I might get another PE is intense. I need to chill the fuck out....like CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I know that I'll heal, I know that I have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life, its not a death sentence, I'm luckily that I even survived, because according to my doctor, a lot of times doctors misdiagnose a patients complaints and don't check for PE. He said that I should be glad that the ER doctor who first saw me ask for a CT Scan of my lungs because if he wouldn't have, I could have died.

Its such a scary thought that I could have died. I could have fucking died that night, or a couple of days later. I would leave my parents and sister grieving. I would leave all my friends behind. I would be an empty shell and my soul or spirit would no longer be on this journey. Man...my mind boggles at the thought of this. I keep thinking that I've been given a second chance at life, but with this second change, I keep feeling like maybe I should feel more powerful, more stronger, I'm feeling weaker and feeling so down and out instead. Life sucks right now....oh well.

This state Im in

So for the last couple of weeks Ive been in a nasty mood. Ive been angry and irritable for what I thought no particular reason. People, places, and things were just pissing me off and I noticed that as days went on I was just getting angrier and angrier! What could have caused such a rage in me? Was that dark passenger Ive been keeping caged away slowly seeping its wicked rage out to me? Well luckily I had a therapy session and   we worked out why I was feeling so angry. It was because my little sister was getting married. I wasn't mad that she was getting married, I love her and her now husband very much. It was actually because I love my sister so much that I was angry. It was the change of her becoming someones wife and. and I put it...depending on someone else besides our family. Now shes been out of our house for about 2 years now, and its no secret to me that that's when I went into a deep depression because of that. Its been a tough few years without my little sister home, shes my rock, and when she left I felt like my support system left with her. I felt like she didn't need me anymore and I felt like her taking on her husbands last name set in stone the fact that shes no longer a part of MY family. Of course my therapist slapped me in the face with a reality check and told me that shes not going anywhere or she wont need me anymore...IN FACT, she actually might need me MORE now that shes married. She might need to talk to me to vent about her husband and stuff when the honeymoon stage of their marriage is over...which he told me will happen lol...My therapist told me to talk to my sister about what I was feeling and to hear it from the horses mouth that shes not going anywhere. luckily I was already planning on hanging out with her after my session so it was a good reason to talk to her. We went to Dennys and we just talking gossip and shit when she told me how my session was. I grew some balls instantly and told her how I felt. She laughed and told me that she wasn't going anywhere so I had nothing to worry about. To tell you the truth, it felt like a two ton boulder was lifted off my shoulders. It felt fantastic!

So when the wedding actually happened I was all good! I was happy and I didn't cry once, although I did tear up twice during the ceremony lol. So she got married Saturday, and today is Tuesday and I think a sense of relief as taken over me. I haven't been feeling so irritable and angry. Ill see how the rest of the week goes though. Maybe I just need a good fuck to get all the shitty feelings out of the way lol. 

Understand

You had me with a hello
you left me with no goodbye though
Abandoned in this cold home
left me with memories of the good times
I want to know why
because I never could understand
I try to keep it together
because I thought we were forever
I was hoping I could get a helping hand
to make me firmly understand
why I was left alone
why I'm alone in this dark home
cold without your warmth
dead like a fetal still birth
the reasons didn't add up
how did we manage to fuck this up
give me a helping hand
so I may be able to firmly understand
because right now I'm so confused
I feel like Ive been used

Reasons

I have my reasons for how I feel

It gets harder and harder every day

I seem to be fighting every emotion in my head

All I wanna do some days is stay in bed

Is it natural to feel this way?

Is it sane to wanna cry all day?

Then wipe the tears and staring at nothing

I suffer daily with these memories fighting myself

Positioning myself like a pin in the middle of an orgy

It means nothing to the people around it

But its still deals with the pain it can cause

Who shall save me from myself?

Who shall save you from myself

I feel like shit daily and I cant stay way

Too many people will say

“you’re the best none like the rest

Don’t give up you’re the shit dog”

I suffer more and more every day

I wake up with eyes swollen from the night before

Tear stains that wont go away….

Autumn Queen

I take my rightful place on my throne

Heart made from the unholy stone

I have been like a vulture to the queen

Never before seen

A disguised imposter at the queen's masquerade

Her vision began to fade

I took my knife to her heart

And watched her kingdom torn apart

 My Psycho-dramas freed to plunder

Her heart was torn asunder

Laughing at the pitiful sight

She lost her final fight

I took my place on the throne

That mighty skies turned pitch black

She was not ready for my brutal attack

She slit her wrists to end it all

I was waiting all autumn for her fall

Blood staining the night air

I killed all her heirs

I am on top of the world I've never seen

I killed the feeble queen

I took my place upon the throne

And watched her being overthrown

As the autumn season became undone

So .

I don't know how to feel
I feel so....so...
I don't know what I should feel
I feel so...so...
Gone

Brittle

I come across like a brittle baby
Hit the right spot and I break apart
Stick me in the cracks of your heart
And ill come alive again...maybe

I don't give a fuck
I don't give a fuck
I don't give a shit
About what you gott say

Push my face in the dirt
Smash me hard make me hurt
Tell me its what I deserve
I'm just a parasite willing to serve

I don't care
I don't care
I don't give a shit
About what I need to do

I'm yours anyhow so fuck it
I don't swallow I just suck it
Your fascination is growing wearily
Looking for something more

Maybe I like it
Maybe I like it
Maybe I just don't care
About the shit you fuckin do

WORLD

I remember every night that my life broken down

A white flame turned it all to ashes

And the rain just turned it to mud

When will I run away from all these dreams

The dreams that feed the demons

Sometimes I think hate is not a strong enough emotion to feel

When I know the world feels the same

I could think of a million ways to die

But I know you would think up more

I fantasize with running to the edge of the world

But I know the world would just jump instead

Sad kids

My heart plays a sad lullaby
Singing to the kids that are sad inside
Too scared to move too damaged to hide
Not able to take that final ride
Too afraid of the after life
What lies where told of getting better
They knew that it only got worse
Bullied and tortured all their youth
That was the only truth
The only certainly besides death
Scared with each walking breath
Suffocating in their own skin
For what they were
What clothes they wore
Who they loved
How they did their make up
They are cowards they lied
Well these cowards wished they could die
These kids are so sad
So very very sad