Control

I have control of my anxiety. It doesnt control me. These feelings and symptoms I feel are just temporary.  They will fade with time.  Nothing will happen to me. I am safe. I am in a safe place in my mind. No harm will come to me. Breathe deep and release. The tension will fade. The fear will decrease and go away. I will be ok.

Letting go

You cut me out of your life
social networks failing
blocked and deleted
my love for you depleted
I begin my transition into something new
and you are left in my back view
fuck you asshole
fuck you asshole
I don't need your childish ways
I thought I needed you
I was so wrong
you were just a constant nerd
a parasite and I'm the host
my heart is drained from you
like my dick in your mouth
sucking me dry in my car
fuck you too
I don't need you
Fuck you dude
I don't need you
I'm finally letting go
of your broke ass, naive, childish, ass

update...

So here's an update on how I'm doing with my pulmonary embolism.

IT SUCKS MONKEY BALLS!!!!!!!

Luckily there hasnt been any pain involved with this, but man the mental and emotional pain is there. Ive been on edge since I was released from the hospital. Every little pain and ache scares the crap out of me and makes me freak out. My level of anxiety is at its peak. I really hate this. To add to the crap fest, Ive been so tired lately. I try to walk around my yard for a bit, and I have to stop because I get so winded and exhausted. I'm so glad that my doctor put me out of work for a month, because I doubt I would be able to perform my job correctly. Selling clothes and toys doesn't seem like a big stressor, but it really is, and I don't think I would do it. Especially since I keep coughing every time I talk too much. I really don't want to cough in guests faces...well..not on purpose.

I really don't know how much of this I can take. I really hate this feeling with every fabric of my being. I hate feeling so down and out. I hate feeling so anxious all the time. I hate feeling like I'm going to die, or that I could have died. My therapist tells me I need to redirect my negative thoughts to something positive. I have been doing that, sometimes I can do it and sometimes I cant. Its so hard for me. At this very moment, as my fingers are typing this...I feel a lump in my throat...that dreaded anxiety. I'm feeling so nervous that I'm not healing, so scared that I might be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. The fear of that I might get another PE is intense. I need to chill the fuck out....like CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I know that I'll heal, I know that I have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life, its not a death sentence, I'm luckily that I even survived, because according to my doctor, a lot of times doctors misdiagnose a patients complaints and don't check for PE. He said that I should be glad that the ER doctor who first saw me ask for a CT Scan of my lungs because if he wouldn't have, I could have died.

Its such a scary thought that I could have died. I could have fucking died that night, or a couple of days later. I would leave my parents and sister grieving. I would leave all my friends behind. I would be an empty shell and my soul or spirit would no longer be on this journey. Man...my mind boggles at the thought of this. I keep thinking that I've been given a second chance at life, but with this second change, I keep feeling like maybe I should feel more powerful, more stronger, I'm feeling weaker and feeling so down and out instead. Life sucks right now....oh well.

Depressed through recovery

Since ive gotten my pulmaory epolism ive been feeling really depressed.  I cant believe I let myself get this far. Im such a fat fuck that I let this happen toy body. Ive put my body through alot...but this was almost the straw the broke the camels back. I could have died. I could have damagedy lungs and heart really bad. Ive been crying alot because im so afraid.  This is such a scary experience.  The feeling of not being about to breathe was...the scariest shit ive ever felt. I turned paper white...I was sweating. ..I was screaming. ..I was hurting.

Now im on anticoagulant medicine for at least 6 months and its going to be a long recovery process. Every day I wake up and go get blood work done to see what dosage of my medicine I need to take.  I have nausea every morning. I cough alot...and im just anxious all the time. I dont know if certain things are apart of my recovery or its new issues.  Im always freaking out.  I have a doctors appointment this friday so hopefully he will be able to answer all my questions

I go on the internet to see if what im feeling other people have felt and luckily they usually are.  I know im just freaking myself out, but I think its justified.  Ive never dealt with something serious like this.  I've never had to go into the er and deal with beinf hospitalized for days. Ive never had to deal with missing work for weeks because of being sick.  I dont know how to deal with all this.  I can calm myself for so long...before I get scared more...

Lost

Losing myself to the dark damp world inside my head
Cold to the touch
Roaming from room to room
Indulging myself in all the taboos
I eat, breathe, and fuck darkness
I am his concubine
Conceiving an unholy bastard
Scattering its wonder through time and space
Anxiety takes its place
Upon its throne of unholy grace
Damaging my insides and mind
Fucking me up just fine
Darkness gives birth to more screams
My mind wonders through nightmare schemes
Scenes that aren't dreams
Its weaves a quilt of anxiety
I feel like im losing. ..

The day after

So today I woke up scared. It wasnt the terrifying feeling of the world is ending, but more of...im a scared little boy.  Im afraid that I might have another panic attack.  Im feeling like im a failure at life. I know its the depression talking,  but I cant help thinking about it. What have I been doing with my life? Im living in constant misery,  and I can't seem to tell anyone.  I only go to therapy like once a month and when I want to talk to someone I always feel like I would burden them with my shit. I know for a fact that they would like me to talk to them but I cant...I cant express everything I want to express because I dont want to be judged. ..or idk..be so open.

Its funny that I can show off my nude body to random guys on the Internet but I can't show off what im really feeling in person. Im a wreck...and emotional wreck who runs away from everything instead of facing them.  I cant even take my car to a repair shop because im afraid of talking to someone new.  I hate life....I hate myself...I hate anxiety. ..and I hate my depression...

Panic attack

Oh man today was not a good day. The morning was ok...I was getting ready for work then all of the sudden it feels like someone punched me in the chest. I felt winded or like ive been running.  At first I thought it was weird. ..so I continued getting ready for work. ..then I felt tired..and my heart beat was beating rapidly.  Thats when I got spooked,  so of course I get my phone out and type in the symptoms which of course freaks me out more.  So I call out of work because I didnt know how long I was going to feel this way. I lay down and I feel fine...I get up and start to feel weird. .I feel like im having a heart attack.  I text my sister and that's when the shit hits the fan!

I start crying uncontrollably and start yelling. ..I walk out to the living room and just walk around in a circle.  I cant quite describe what I was feeling and what I was thinking. ..it was like..the unbearable wave of fright mixed with sadness. .when my sister came in I just collapsed in her arms and cry more. This was the peak of the attack. .I just started blurting out everything I was feeling about myself mixed with tears and boogers.  My parents came home and tried to calm me down too. They wanted to take me to the hospital but I knew I didnt need it. Really...I didn't want to go outside and have people see me crying and freaking out. After awhile I calmed down enough. ..but man my body and mind is hurting.  I got winded from just walking from the kitchen to my bedroom.  I took two naps. ..and have just been...idk...sad. ..sad that I broke down...sad that I freaked out my parents and sister. ..I feel so fucking worthless right now. 

I really should email my doctor and ask if mayne I should either up my dosage on my paxil to 20mg or maybe try another med, like xanax or something for when I get another attack. I was thinking of maybe seeing a psychiatrist too...someone who understands mental disorders and will know to help..and will be able to take me out of work for a bit. ..I just need a break from everything.