Therapy session

So I've been going to therapy since October for my depression. It was getting to the point where I couldn't take life anymore. I think that my anxiety also was making it difficult for me to...Idk...exist... Anyhow, my therapist says that I have been living in a state of despair and darkness for most of my life. That any moment that I feel joy my head kicks in with sad depressing thoughts because that's what I'm used to thinking or feeling, sadness. I've been that guy with the dark cloud following him, but instead of putting up an umbrella and carrying on dry...I've been just walking in the rain getting wet and being miserable. I've often said that I'm a great actor. I can act happy and full of gay joy on the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I know how I'm suppose to act in a polite society, but I'm the monster inside clawing and ripping people to bloody shreds. I need to start learning that life isn't all that dark and twists...but good things can happen to me. When those good things do happen I need to learn to actually feel that happiness and joy...and not automatically go back to that dark place.

I probably have more to say...but ill save it for later...I'm tired of writing