You cut me out of your life
social networks failing
blocked and deleted
my love for you depleted
I begin my transition into something new
and you are left in my back view
fuck you asshole
fuck you asshole
I don't need your childish ways
I thought I needed you
I was so wrong
you were just a constant nerd
a parasite and I'm the host
my heart is drained from you
like my dick in your mouth
sucking me dry in my car
fuck you too
I don't need you
Fuck you dude
I don't need you
I'm finally letting go
of your broke ass, naive, childish, ass
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, July 22, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
update...
So here's an update on how I'm doing with my pulmonary embolism.
IT SUCKS MONKEY BALLS!!!!!!!
Luckily there hasnt been any pain involved with this, but man the mental and emotional pain is there. Ive been on edge since I was released from the hospital. Every little pain and ache scares the crap out of me and makes me freak out. My level of anxiety is at its peak. I really hate this. To add to the crap fest, Ive been so tired lately. I try to walk around my yard for a bit, and I have to stop because I get so winded and exhausted. I'm so glad that my doctor put me out of work for a month, because I doubt I would be able to perform my job correctly. Selling clothes and toys doesn't seem like a big stressor, but it really is, and I don't think I would do it. Especially since I keep coughing every time I talk too much. I really don't want to cough in guests faces...well..not on purpose.
I really don't know how much of this I can take. I really hate this feeling with every fabric of my being. I hate feeling so down and out. I hate feeling so anxious all the time. I hate feeling like I'm going to die, or that I could have died. My therapist tells me I need to redirect my negative thoughts to something positive. I have been doing that, sometimes I can do it and sometimes I cant. Its so hard for me. At this very moment, as my fingers are typing this...I feel a lump in my throat...that dreaded anxiety. I'm feeling so nervous that I'm not healing, so scared that I might be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. The fear of that I might get another PE is intense. I need to chill the fuck out....like CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I know that I'll heal, I know that I have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life, its not a death sentence, I'm luckily that I even survived, because according to my doctor, a lot of times doctors misdiagnose a patients complaints and don't check for PE. He said that I should be glad that the ER doctor who first saw me ask for a CT Scan of my lungs because if he wouldn't have, I could have died.
Its such a scary thought that I could have died. I could have fucking died that night, or a couple of days later. I would leave my parents and sister grieving. I would leave all my friends behind. I would be an empty shell and my soul or spirit would no longer be on this journey. Man...my mind boggles at the thought of this. I keep thinking that I've been given a second chance at life, but with this second change, I keep feeling like maybe I should feel more powerful, more stronger, I'm feeling weaker and feeling so down and out instead. Life sucks right now....oh well.
IT SUCKS MONKEY BALLS!!!!!!!
Luckily there hasnt been any pain involved with this, but man the mental and emotional pain is there. Ive been on edge since I was released from the hospital. Every little pain and ache scares the crap out of me and makes me freak out. My level of anxiety is at its peak. I really hate this. To add to the crap fest, Ive been so tired lately. I try to walk around my yard for a bit, and I have to stop because I get so winded and exhausted. I'm so glad that my doctor put me out of work for a month, because I doubt I would be able to perform my job correctly. Selling clothes and toys doesn't seem like a big stressor, but it really is, and I don't think I would do it. Especially since I keep coughing every time I talk too much. I really don't want to cough in guests faces...well..not on purpose.
I really don't know how much of this I can take. I really hate this feeling with every fabric of my being. I hate feeling so down and out. I hate feeling so anxious all the time. I hate feeling like I'm going to die, or that I could have died. My therapist tells me I need to redirect my negative thoughts to something positive. I have been doing that, sometimes I can do it and sometimes I cant. Its so hard for me. At this very moment, as my fingers are typing this...I feel a lump in my throat...that dreaded anxiety. I'm feeling so nervous that I'm not healing, so scared that I might be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. The fear of that I might get another PE is intense. I need to chill the fuck out....like CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I know that I'll heal, I know that I have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life, its not a death sentence, I'm luckily that I even survived, because according to my doctor, a lot of times doctors misdiagnose a patients complaints and don't check for PE. He said that I should be glad that the ER doctor who first saw me ask for a CT Scan of my lungs because if he wouldn't have, I could have died.
Its such a scary thought that I could have died. I could have fucking died that night, or a couple of days later. I would leave my parents and sister grieving. I would leave all my friends behind. I would be an empty shell and my soul or spirit would no longer be on this journey. Man...my mind boggles at the thought of this. I keep thinking that I've been given a second chance at life, but with this second change, I keep feeling like maybe I should feel more powerful, more stronger, I'm feeling weaker and feeling so down and out instead. Life sucks right now....oh well.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
The day after
So today I woke up scared. It wasnt the terrifying feeling of the world is ending, but more of...im a scared little boy. Im afraid that I might have another panic attack. Im feeling like im a failure at life. I know its the depression talking, but I cant help thinking about it. What have I been doing with my life? Im living in constant misery, and I can't seem to tell anyone. I only go to therapy like once a month and when I want to talk to someone I always feel like I would burden them with my shit. I know for a fact that they would like me to talk to them but I cant...I cant express everything I want to express because I dont want to be judged. ..or idk..be so open.
Its funny that I can show off my nude body to random guys on the Internet but I can't show off what im really feeling in person. Im a wreck...and emotional wreck who runs away from everything instead of facing them. I cant even take my car to a repair shop because im afraid of talking to someone new. I hate life....I hate myself...I hate anxiety. ..and I hate my depression...
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Island
Shipwrecked upon my shore
I got stars swirling around my head
I see a big tree
Staring straight at me
No sun just moonlight
Dense feeling of solitude
I am the only survivor
The water will wash my sins
The sand will bury me in regret
Who needs the world when I'm here
Alone and retreating to the earth
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