Understand

You had me with a hello
you left me with no goodbye though
Abandoned in this cold home
left me with memories of the good times
I want to know why
because I never could understand
I try to keep it together
because I thought we were forever
I was hoping I could get a helping hand
to make me firmly understand
why I was left alone
why I'm alone in this dark home
cold without your warmth
dead like a fetal still birth
the reasons didn't add up
how did we manage to fuck this up
give me a helping hand
so I may be able to firmly understand
because right now I'm so confused
I feel like Ive been used

Coma white

Watch "Marilyn Manson - Coma White" on YouTube

It best describes how I feel right now

The Yellow Paper

The Yellow Paper (A Person, A Paper, A Promise) by Dr. Earl Reum

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines he wrote a poem And he called it "Chops" because that was the name of his dog And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts. That was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus And his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair And his mother and father kissed a lot And the girl around the corner sent him a vaentine signed with a row of X's and he had to ask his father what the X's meant And his father always tucked him in bed at night And was always there to do it.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem And he called it "Autumn" because that was the name of the season And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint And the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars And left butts on the pews And sometimes they would burn holes That was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames And the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot And his father never tucked him in bed at night And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook he wrote a poem And he called it "Innocence: A Question" because that was the question about his girl And that's what it was all about And his professor gave him an A and a strange steady look And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her That was the year that Father Tracy died And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went And he caught his sister making out on the back porch And his mother and father never kissed or even talked And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup That made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do

And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed his father snoring soundly That's why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem And he called it "Absolutely Nothing" Because that's what it was really all about And he gave himself an A and a slash on each damned wrist And he hung it on the bathroom door because this time he didn't think he could reach the kitchen.

The Perks of being a crazy nut

So I'm watching Perks of Being a Wallflower and one scene just...stayed with me. It's between the main character Charlie and his doctor after he had a mental down (spoiler alert)!! It goes like this
Charlie: how to I stop it
Doctor: stop what Charlie?
Charlie: stop seeing it all their lives all the time. There is so much pain and I don't know how to not notice it.
Doctor: what's hurting you?
Charlie: no, not me its them It's everyone . It never stops.

That little Exchange almost brought me to tears. I feel this way all the time. I don't know how to not notice all the pain around me. The pain I see in peoples eyes. The pain I can feel in the air, in their auras...Idk how to switch it off. I'm so tired of seeing thier pain...because their pain becomes my pain.

Strength beyond measure

Thorns and horns will hurt you
But you will never be brought down
You are a firework
Shooting across the sky
You are strong
You are powerful
You will overcome everything
Strength is within you
Strength beyond measure

Emptiness

There is an emptiness deep within me. I sometimes can feel it engulfing every atom of my being. I want to detach myself from this emptiness. I want to runaway hand in hand with what I would call happiness, but the emptiness just grows and grows. It spreads to every aspect of my life; work, socially, mentally, physically...etc. I need change. I need something more...something even more powerful than emptiness. I don't know what that could be. I don't know where it could be or how I'm going to achieve it.

Slipping

In an instant I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I think my Brain is starting to notice that I'm happy again. The truth is that I'm still not happy. I'm still blue, the meds just suppress it more. I don't know, I should be happy, but I don't know if I.even know how to be happy. I'll continue to paint this smile on my face and walk with my head up trying not to cry or show my pain