Dead

So I was looking through some old college notebooks and found this little gem. Fuck, I was really depressed back then lol....I laugh now, but I'm sure I was a human wreck back then....well, I still am, but not as much as back then....



I trace a heart where his should be
a black hole is the only thing there
eyes glazed over as rigor mortis sets in
the smell slowly starting to escape his skin
I found him laying with his arms crossed
a bottle of pills beside him as he looks asleep
asleep forever...
I should be crying but no tears are being shed
I should be yelling but I make no sound
I just start at his human shell
The light gone forever from his eyes
Its a trip seeing myself on the floor
I didn't think I would ever do it again
I didn't think I would succeed
I'm dead.....my heart is gone....my brain is mush
my lungs are decaying, my guts have gone liquid
I'm dead....but I'm still looking at myself from above
am I a ghost? am I going to heaven or hell?
I'm dead....fuck...Im dead....

Goddess

Eyes black as coal

Hair white as clouds

She is my goddess

I am her mortal

Virgin Summer

The heat radiates off our loins
as we lay holding hands watching the moon
our breathing syncing with each breath
our eyes locked in each others gaze
tonight is the night we become one
the night we lose our innocence
and jump start our journey into adulthood
in the count of 1,2,3
we take our clothes off
shed ourselves of purity of fear
and enter the realm of pleasure
our skin, our hearts, our souls dance
tango and cha cha  as our nerves slowly fade
we stand bare of clothes and fright
nipples hard from the winds chilly kiss
we kiss and lose our virginity in the summer
beautiful sights and sounds
elated loins and passion devouring our senses
when it is said and done
we lay back down and watch the moon
somehow its a different
somehow we are different
we speak in future and past tense
reminiscing that just yesterday
We belonged to the virgin summer

Work It Out

Ive been thinking about joining the gym again. I always say this, but I think this time I really mean it. I need to jump start my body so I can help my mind. I can feel my body is aching for release of all the tension and negativity, and to this point I haven't been able to find the valve to release it. I keep thinking that writing will help me, and to a certain point it has, but its just a band aid. I need to stitch that motherfucker up. I need to put some Neosporin on it to keep it from getting infected again. What needs to help though, is that I need to get that motivation to go to the gym in the first place. I can talk all I fucking want about wanting to change my physical appearance all I want, but I also need to walk that walk. I need to put on my running shoes and start sprinting towards that dream. Right now I'm wounded and slowly crawling towards that dream. It seems like miles and miles away, but I know that I can do it. I did it once before when I was in high school and I think I can do it again. I just need to get over some self esteem issues and grow some balls. I don't just need two balls, I need about 20 of them. It wont be easy, mostly because I'm a lazy fuck, but I know that I can do it. My palm reader said I put 110% into everything I do, so I just need to add the gym to that list. I need to put 110% of hard work into myself....I need it...I fucking deserve it.

Palm Reading

I recently got my palm read at a festival. I don't know if palm reading, tarot cards, or psychic readings are true or not, but I like to try them out to see what they say about me. I've had my cards read in Vegas, and what she said never really came true. What she said about me was true to a degree, but she could have just been reading my facial expressions and body language to feed her shit about me. So when I saw the palm reader, I decided to give her a go. I gotta tell you, I was beyond surprised at what she said about me! Most of what she said about me was true, and she said things that not a lot of people know about me. Ill talk about what she said to me now.

1. I'm a hard worker. I don't give 90% or even 100%, I give everything I do 110%. I try to do the best job that I can do, but I don't get recognized for all my hard work. I'm used to it, but lately its been starting to bother and I'm becoming bitter about it. I want to be told that what I'm doing is great and that I'm an essential part of the team dynamic. This is so fucking true! I do work harder than some people in my life and I don't get recognized for it. It is starting to bother me now that I work harder than some people at work, but they get recognized for stupid shit, and I just get a thank you. I know that it shouldn't bother me, but it does bug.

2. The last two years have been difficult for me emotionally and physically, but I'm working hard to get out of the funk I'm in and this is the year of working towards a better me. Next year will be a better year for me. It will take a lot of work this year, but next year I will be happier than I've been. There is something that's keeping me from reaching my true potential and my happiness, and this year I will take baby steps to maximize my true self. I have been in a funk for the last couple years, mainly thanks to my depression and anxiety, I have been taken steps to bettering myself. Ive been on anti depressants and been going to therapy once a month for the last two years. She hit the nail on the board...or whatever the saying is on this one. Ive always been in a yo-yo effect where I take 3 steps forward and 1 step back. I'm happy that I'll finally be free of these demons that I'm battling for so many years. Well, I'm sure I wont be completely free from them, but ill be making a big dent in them.

3. Its hard for me to fall in love. Holy shit she was fucking right about this one too. I dated someone where the relationship didn't work out, but this person still thinks about me and what could have been. We will never work out, and I shouldn't talk to this person, but the relationship affected me. I shouldn't date this year, because I'm trying to work on myself, and if I get into a relationship, I will just think about that person and not myself. I put everyone else before me and I get dragged down to 4th or 5th place in line, but I shouldn't do that anymore. Ive been learning to say NO more and more now, where before I would say YES to everything, even when I didn't want to say yes. People will think I'm being selfish, but that's OK because ill be thinking about myself and in the end it will be better for ME. I  want to fall in love, but I don't know how to fall in love because I never had a true sense of what love should look like. This part was true, because I never had "love role models" in my life. I haven't really seen anyone who were in true love. No one has told me that they love in a romantic sense, so I don't know how to say it and really mean it.

there was a lot more stuff the palm reader said, but I'm slowly forgetting them...lol. She basically said that I will never be hard on money because I'll work hard to get it. I'll be moving out of where I currently live, not because I have to, but because I want to. There will be something going on in July and August at work that will change my life. Someone is talking shit about me in my life and that I should be cautious of them, because they will hurt me morally. There will be two days in June that will very creative days for me. I'm sure there more, but I don't remember lol. Thanks for reading guys this has been the longest actually blog Ive written in a long time that isn't a poem lol.

Another night.....

The darkness grows like a slow dense fog

Covers me like LA smog

Gives me life and blends it with death

I am free yet trapped in its decay

I don't resist it anymore

There aren't enough hours in a day

Shower Thinker

I've always been a shower thinker. It's when I do my best thinking about life, work, love, and just make believe daydreams. When I feel like I need to talk to someone, but don't have anyone to talk to; I talk to myself in the shower. Something about the warm water hitting my back makes me not only relax my body, but it relaxes my mind. My mental barriers come down momentarily and the therapist side of me steps in to lend a ear. I get out everything that I've been holding to inside and I give myself advice on how to work these feelings and situations out. Some people sing in the shower, or jerk off in the shower, but I think. Lately I've been thinking about my life and how tired I am mentally again. Every morning is a struggle to get out of bed and prep to get through the day. All I'd rather do is sleep and look at porn all day. Instead I have to get up and go to work and make it through the day without punching a kid in the face. When I come back home, In bed I go to take a nap. My life is a ball, constantly turning in a circle....I need to change the motion of the ball. I need to do something better than standing in the shower thinking about what I should do. I know what I should do, but I need the motivation to actually do. I need to stop with the denial of what the root of my issues are  and come clean with the truth. The truth shall set you free they say, but sometimes the truth can fuck up lives, and my life is already fucked up.


Maybe I should stop thinking in the shower and just stick to jerking off instead.