DREAM

Once upon a dream
Dreams of a time being free
Free from my worries and demons
Demons that kept me prisoner
Prisoner of a war that's been brewing inside
Inside where I feel dead at times
Times when I feel joy seems but a dream
Dreams that once felt real

helpful?

I still don't know why but after each therapy session I have, I tend to go into a depressive state of mind. It's like everything we talk about makes me really think about my life and makes me hate it. I don't hate my life right now, but I'm sure not liking it. I'm still fat, single, horny.....alone. I need to find motivation to change my life. I need to change something!
So is therapy even helping me? Yes it is, because its taught me that I am worth something, yet Its so hard to really believe it.


maybe some day ill believe it

ugh

I'm tired of being told I'm fat. I think I noticed that when I looked in the mirror. Thanks for making me feel even worse about myself than I already did. Just when I was starting to feel good and looking to make a change, it came crashing down. I want to binge eat again, just so I don't feel so empty anymore. I don't blame anyone but myself for this shit. I should make better chooses, but I fail the motivation and drive to care anymore. Hello depression its been awhile since I've seen you. I thought I left you back in 2013.....its been nice not being depressed and self conscience, I guess all good things must come to an end.

unknown beach

I vacation on an unknown beach

Stick my feet into the sand

Feeling the cold wind in my hair

I feel so peaceful

I feel so free

Bio hazard Love

Lyrically accepted, but biblically rejected

it makes me feel so ugly

lingering feeling of betrayal

who needs love when its just a bio hazard 

Travel and Eating

One thing I want to do this year is travel more. I don't need to travel to long distances like Canada or Mexico, I would love to just go somewhere close to me like Vegas or San Diego. Last year was really harsh for me, but this year Ive made it a point to do more to keep myself happy. Traveling or having a mini vacation will help me with this. That's why I'm going to Las Vegas to relax and hang out with my burly bear. In March I'll be going to San Diego to celebrate a friends 30th birthday. I'm looking forward to these two trips, because not only will it get me out of work, but it will also get me out of the house. I sometimes feel trapped at home, so not being there will feel really really fucking good LOL!

In other news, I've realized that I've started binge eating again.More and more Ive noticed that I'm not getting that "full" feeling when I'm eating, and when I do, I still eat more to push my feelings down. I've always known that I've binge eat, but I kicked the habit when I started therapy. I'm learning how to deal with my feelings, so now that I'm binging again, its starting to freak me out. My therapist says that its good that I noticed it and can now focus on it. I think that because I'm feeling somewhat happy this year and have plans to do so much, that the depression part of my brain is making me binge so I can feel bad. I'm self sabotaging myself because I don't want to feel happy. I realize that now and need to learn how to not kill that happiness that Ive worked so hard for.

27

Oh fuck, I just turned 27! Three more years until im considered old by societies views and I could be a daddy in the gay community.  Fml I want to cry...lol From this point on, I need to learn how to be more independent,  I need to enjoy life and be more free than Ive been! I need to banish these demons and thoughts and replace them with new thoughts.  Most of all I need to grow as a person, and start putting myself out there for people to want to get to know me. Hopefully 27 will be a great year for me where I will reflect back when im old and say, fuck I had a great time!