today just hasn't been my day. I know that its Friday the 13th, but fucking aye right now I feel like its been Friday the 13th all summer. I should really stop complaining so damn much, but I don't know what else to do sometimes. I need to release what I feel and think when I'm not talking to my therapist. I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to my friends about this. I feel like I'm reverting back to the old me. Funny how a blood clot can fuck up almost a year of therapy. I shouldn't think this way of course. I should redirect my negative thoughts to something positive. I feel like crap, but I know this feeling is only temporary. I think my world is collapsing around me, but at least I still have to ability to breathe. I'm alive, I should be happy about that, but in a way, sometimes I wish I didn't live. That's really fucked up of me to say, but damn..I hate feeling sick everyday, I hate the anxiety and depression that comes along with this recovery, I hate that every little ache and pain turns into a full blown moment of fear. I'm trying to deal with these feelings but damn its so fucking hard.
Maybe I just need to go out more so I'm not stuck in my room on a Friday night typing away a blog trying to gain sympathy from a few people who read this. I need to find someone who will buy me a drink and shower me with compliments and want to take me home. I want to cuddle and watch a movie while drinking hot chocolate on a cold night with someone. I want to take long road trips for the weekend and go camping, or go to some party. IDK, I just want to feel wanted. I mean to say, I know I'm wanted by my friends and family, but I want to be wanted by someone else on a deeper level. I thought I found that last year, but that didn't work out. I was hoping this year would be different and I would be able to open more and find someone to love....to love me....to hold me...to make me feel safe and sound....to protect me from myself and the dark thoughts that rumble and tumble through my head. I'm only 26 and I have a lifetime to find that person, but fuck I really want to find that person now. I want to find something at least...something to make me happy.
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