thinking random thoughts

Why do I think the way I think? What makes me think the random things I do? I think about how it would feel to break a bone, I think about how it would feel to drown...how it feels to be shot...how hot lava is. Part of me thinks that all this shit is funny, but another part of me is thinking....wtf Richard why are you thinking about random ways of hurting yourself. Ive never been a cutter...not because I didn't want to...oh I wanted to..but I didn't want to leave any marks on my body. I felt like if i had a scare on my wrist or thigh it would be a constant reminder of how fucked up I was. I guess thinking about it is better than actually doing it. I don't want to think these things though....the older I get, the more of these random shitty thoughts I think about. I hope I'm able to change.

In other news, I really want to go out on a date with someone. Like a coffee date leading to a dinner...maybe a romantic walk on the beach or street...and idk...maybe putting out...lol...maybe I just want someone to want me. To talk to about whatever you talk about on a date and just chill. hopefully I go on one someday.

life update

today just hasn't been my day. I know that its Friday the 13th, but fucking aye right now I feel like its been Friday the 13th all summer. I should really stop complaining so damn much, but I don't know what else to do sometimes. I need to release what I feel and think when I'm not talking to my therapist. I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to my friends about this. I feel like I'm reverting back to the old me. Funny how a blood clot can fuck up almost a year of therapy. I shouldn't think this way of course. I should redirect my negative thoughts to something positive. I feel like crap, but I know this feeling is only temporary. I think my world is collapsing around me, but at least I still have to ability to breathe. I'm alive, I should be happy about that, but in a way, sometimes I wish I didn't live. That's really fucked up of me to say, but damn..I hate feeling sick everyday, I hate the anxiety and depression that comes along with this recovery, I hate that every little ache and pain turns into a full blown moment of fear. I'm trying to deal with these feelings but damn its so fucking hard.

Maybe I just need to go out more so I'm not stuck in my room on a Friday night typing away a blog trying to gain sympathy from a few people who read this. I need to find someone who will buy me a drink and shower me with compliments and want to take me home. I want to cuddle and watch a movie while drinking hot chocolate on a cold night with someone. I want to take long road trips for the weekend and go camping, or go to some party. IDK, I just want to feel wanted. I mean to say, I know I'm wanted by my friends and family, but I want to be wanted by someone else on a deeper level. I thought I found that last year, but that didn't work out. I was hoping this year would be different and I would be able to open more and find someone to love....to love me....to hold me...to make me feel safe and sound....to protect me from myself and the dark thoughts that rumble and tumble through my head. I'm only 26 and I have a lifetime to find that person, but fuck I really want to find that person now. I want to find something at least...something to make me happy.

Control Problems

I control it
It doesnt control me
I am a fighter
I will be the victor
This fight as gone on for too long
These thoughts are magnetic
Attracted to my emotions
But I will fight until it's gone
This anxiety demon will die

Im getting sick of this reality
Nightmare made real because of anxiety
I need to seek some help
Psychiatry
Mental health slowy failing 
The weather inside my head is hailing
Thunderstroms raging on and on
Ill soon be gone
So done

Tigger Puppet

Im just the tigger in a gun
You're the bullet aimed at my head
Whispering death chants
I do as im told
Look what you started
I never wanted to be this way
A follower for a psychotic god
Half bred with the Devils horns
Angel wings and all their blood
You tell me to fire
And so I do
I dont think im coming back
My world fades to black
I never wanted this
I never started this
I was forced fed lies and tales
Made to believe I was the only one
A savior for the people
A martyr for my god
Brain washed and handed a gun
But im just the trigger
You are the bullet aimed at my head

Dark angel covers me with his black wings
Guides me towards my grave
Swan song plays overhead
As I'm being lead to certain death


I've always dreamed of being in love
I think it would fit right like a glove
I'm getting over all the lust
And random late night thrusts
I just need someone I can trust
So my heart doesn't turn to rust
Everything is quite lush
It doesn't need to be a rush
But the quicker the sooner if I must
Have a choice have a voice 
To be loved and rejoiced
To stand tall and poised 
I just want to find that love
a lover not a fighter
Not a quick all nighter
Something that cant be turned off like a lighter
Something strong and powerful
Someone to get an armful 
Someone to just fucking love

useless

I feel so useless.
I feel so invisible
No one cares
No one hears
My cries are silent
My tears have gone dry
I sit crossed legged
Razor blade in hand
Hacking at my flesh
One cut for every sin
Believe me I have many

Is this real?
Whats the word
Whats the deal
Wheres the big thrill 
I was promised
The smile that was suppose to be the longest
The man who was suppose to  be the strongest
There is just this shell of a man
A cheap brand
A one man band
Sad to the core
And so fucking poor
A whore for anxiety and depression 

teaching new tricks...

For the last couple of weeks Ive been doing some mediation through some podcasts I found on itunes. They seemed to help me calm down when I would get anxiety so I decided to give it a try for my everyday life. If I wake up early before I'm suppose to wake up I tend to listen to a guided mediation podcast that lasts about 20-30mins. I prefer to listen to the guided ones because on my own I still haven't learned how to shut off my mind and find a peaceful place. With the guided podcast I'm at least able to picture what the speaker wants me to picture and do. The only thing is that I get super ADD and start thinking about other things that don't relate to the podcast...I guess this is normal because sometimes the speaker tells us to come back to the session if we trail off lol. I'm thinking of trying to find a place where I can do this more, with an actual person. I'm thinking of maybe doing some yoga or tai chi....idk I just need to find something new to help me emotionally and mentally. I'm so drained physically from my illness that its starting to hurt me in other aspects of my life. They were slowly but surely starting to get better with therapy and now it seems to gone to shit these last couple of months. I just wish i could see my therapist more than just once a month. I need more help than that. Hopefully taking the time to calm down and mediate will help me. If it doesn't..then I really don't know what the fuck will happen...