SEX

i want to feel you inside me

i want to be the devil in you

touch me and ill guide you

to the darkness we both will share

I need you so bad

The cold moments in our souls

I am everywhere

Always in total control

feed me your fantasy

so I can feed you my corrupted mind

Struggle

So I've been struggling lately, no its because of my pure laziness of writing on this blog, but I've been struggling with my damn depression. For those who don't know me, or care...I've been struggling with depression since at least the age of 12. I haven't actually been getting treatment for it until late 2012. I've been on an antidepressant and going to therapy once or twice a month since then. I've been doing well, I get small bouts here and there which I like to call my man period. One week I can be happy, the next week angry and sad, the next a mixture of everything. This month tho....damn its been fucking hard on me.

I've just been so damn angry and irritable at work. Its not any better when I get home and I just isolate myself in my room. I've been so sleepy and lethargic that it reminds me of the darker times. My mind keeps going to places that I really didn't want to visit again. Never mind, part of me does like visiting those darker places, but I like to close the door and lock it....I hate it when the door is locked on the other side and I can't get out.

People around me are just so fucking annoying! I'm starting to really hate some motherfuckers. Its starting to get really hard to hid my disgust and disdain in my facial expressions. I'm just really not giving a fuck....NO FUCKS GIVEN. I really need to go see my therapist soon so I can tell him all this, but even then hes starting to piss me off....fuck him ...lol

ugh maybe I just need to get laid. I good fucking fuck could get me outta this mood. A good big hard messy orgasm solves everything....right?

Different kind of words that bled

I need something new

dont worry sweeting i got chu

i need someone new

dont worry boo boo

i take these drugs to feel fine

but i feel like im running out of time

I cant come up with different words

and im seeing some angry birds

God bless me and my antidepressants 

one nation under god

Satan gots me feeling fluorescent 

enough to write on this blog

what am I talking about

why am on this storm cloud

stupid and fearing of coming down

look mom my skin is soft and brown

shady bitches got me on the down low

still fucking me for facebook hoes

likes and thumbs up my ass so damn gross

I just dont want anyone to know

oh shit here i go again

rambling about all the pain im in

mentally unstable in this grand fable

but i still like being a child in its cradle

ill even make this last line a little longer

because i want you all to fucking poner

what the fuck is going on in his head

fuck what this motherfucker just said

follow me down this rabbit hole

then stop breathing and lose your soul

oh my...

It has been quite awhile since I've done a blog....mostly I've just been busy. Not socially sadly, but mostly because of work...and just being lazy. So here I am to tell yall that im still alive....alive and sort of well...go choke on a dick...lol


see ya in a couple of months motherfuckers!!!!

Spin

Spinning

I'm spinning

into the dark abyss

into a cliche comatose

self imposed

self abused

not physically

but emotionally

I'm spinning

I'm spinning

grinning as i go down

razor blade smile cutting at my heart

opening scars and letting the infection in

I love it

I want it

I deserve it

I'm told to let it out

So I'm typing this to get it out

still feeling like shit

still craving the blade

I'm spinning into an abyss

I cant wait to hit the ground

FROM ME TO YOU .......COME 2015!!! LETS GET SICKENING!!!!! *DEATHDROPS ONTO FLOOR*

christmas gift

Well holy shit its been months since I last wrote a blog. To be truthful, I've just been fucking lazy. I discovered the magic that is the TV show Scandal and have been binge watching that. I have also become engrossed with the seasons of Project Runway that I have missed since they moved to Lifetime. I have been playing Marvel Heroes 2015 on my laptop. Besides that I haven't been doing much besides jerking off and sleeping. Same shift just different days. There you have it folks my life in a nutshell. 

Today is Christmas and I'm home alone eating tamales and calling target over a order that I fucked up on. I'm drinking my Starbucks coffee and listening to the Kevin and Bean podcast. My parents went out to the casinos and I stayed home alone. I didn't want to spend my Christmas with my folks in a smoked filled casino....I love my sanity and lungs too much for that. It doesn't bother me that I'm spending it alone. I already celebrated with my family last night. My sister and the kids came over to our house and we ate tamales and drank some tequila and had a jolly good time. After that I took like a 3 hour nap....that's how I celebrate. Today Ill probably play a video game and watch porn by myself like a sad pathetic lonely man....so you may think. To me this is my gift.....absolute loneliness...there are times where I tire of people around people. I like to isolate myself from the outside world. Id rather spend my day alone with my chihuahua than be surrounded around people who will cause me anxiety. My therapist tells me that I shouldn't isolate myself from the outside world...and I've tried not to like I use to before, but fuck I like to be alone sometimes. I have time to clean out some of the dirty things I have hidden from view around my room, I can wash some of my jock straps and sex toys and throw out some trash. Maybe this will help relax me. Maybe it will inspire me to write again...I don't know...sometimes isolation just....HELPS me. 

Don't feel sorry for me for being alone on Christmas, I feel sorry enough for both of us. I just enjoy it....sure there will be tears falling down my face as I see update statuses of other families spending time together,....but my dog will lick the salty tears from my face.