Sick

Ive been sick for far too long.  Im so sick and tired of feeling this way. I domt know how some people do it! I just want to feep better again!

Reflecting

I sit here reflecting
Redirecting negative thoughts
Caught in a web of sadistic intentions
Mentions of suicidal thoughts emerge
Submerged in a pool of diseased memories
Activities practiced in dark rooms
Blooms like death in a dead garden
Burdens grow with each deep cut
Uncut skin marked for the next night
Fight or flight chemical injections
Reflections of dark times
Mind is spinning out of control
Soul is turning to stone balls
All this is happening as i sit here
Reflecting

Unfinished

I am strong
I have felt this way for too long
I need to get over it
Let the feelings flow
Instead of letting them overflow
Overgrow like weeds tightening
Blocking my path to tranquility
Open a path to this reality
An open road to be acellerating
Words to stop my self hating
Broken body slowly healing
These feelings slowly  alienating

Anxiety

I was doing so great today and all of the sudden im struck with anxiety. Im feeling really scared right now. Why you might ask?...because of a little numbness i feel on the top of my head.  Its like if im wearing a helmet or something. ..it sucks...i only help its from the infection i have right now and it's not from a blood clot in my lung coming loose and traveling to my brain.

I know that won't be happening,  but fuck its the only thing that is crossing my mind. I go from zero to 60 in 2 seconds in the negativity scale...i take one little problem and blow it up to biblical proportions.  I hate that, and im working on it.

I just need to focus on something else besides this issue...amd hope it goes away tomorrow..and if it still goes on ill go to the er to check it out...i just hope its some pinched nerve from trying to cracky neck or something

Fml

I must stay positive

Storm Beast

The storm in me is calming
Could it be the end
Or just the eye of the storm
Id rather be any where but here
Searching for the truth
Answers to my questions
Spinning world into chaos
Anxiety at maximum levels
They say to think straight
To think the right way
I dont know if there will be a tomorrow
I dont know if i want to stay
Bleak and dark is my mind
An empty room in shades of black
Id rather be anywhere but here
Spinning out of control
My soul is lost to the night thief
I want to find it
I want to swallow it
Let it digest
Until it becomes apart of me
This storm of anger is calming
Chemically calmed and numbed
Not myself but someone else
Feeding the caged monster in me
Then putting it to sleep

Growth

The parasite grows
Infests my membranes
I am its host
It feeds upon my sorrow
It shits out thoughts of the end
No vaccine to fight it
No antibiotic to kill it
No way to cut it out
I live with it
It lives with me
And I watch it grow

Food

I try to stop the cravings
But they are stronger than me
Its like a drug fix i must attain
Otherwise i go insane inside
In a manic state of hunger
Fatty foods my only source of survival
My pleasure is because of them
Food fetish
Food disease
Im so empty i need to fill the void